America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Overslept

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Djb: B | Grade It Now!
Model Behavior

In what I'll guess was an attempt at a fake highbrow accent, SeeYouTomorrow tells us that they'll be having dinner at "Tavern on the Green." Camille adds that it's a "fabulous" restaurant, and that it takes "a very long time to get a reservation there." Yeah. It takes as long as it takes for a phone to ring twice. Okay. Note to the producers of America's Next Top Model. It's not hip and trendy if everyone's heard of it. In my life, I've been to a Bar Mitzvah, a prom, and a very-easy-to-get-invited-to party at SeeYouTomorrow's "Tah-vern ahn the Greeeeen," and I've got to say...meh. It's like the Planet Hollywood of high-end eating. All glitz, all name, shitty food, Bon Jovi's guitar. Just kidding about that last one. But seriously, listen to me if you're coming to New York: short of eating at Le Cirque, the hippest eatery in New York is the one none of us has ever heard of and which can't be seen from the street. You find out about it from a starfucking publicist or a rich friend from work. You don't flip through the Manhattan yellow pages and then get on the horn with Tavern on the Green and be all, "Zagat says you're okay and I think your eating establishment might have been in Big Business at some point, so...table for twelve?"

Lara Klingon Boyle steals toilet paper, Shandi puts her elbows on the table, and Camille judges silently, telling us that "it's embarrassing!" to do that at so "classy" a place. But, as someone pointed out to me once, the word "classy" usually connotes the opposite of whatever the speaker is trying to say is "classy," and that is definitely true in the case of Tavern on the Green.

During dinner, a piece of TyraMail conjures itself from seeming nowhere, April reading aloud, "Ladies, it's your birthday. You're gonna work the lens like it's your first day." Who is she, the new millennium's answer to Nipsey Russell? Why does this all rhyme? Anyway, there's a photo shoot at 6 AM the next day, and April promises to wake up the other girls and make sure they're all up, inspiring Jenascia to muse, "She's that sweet of [sic] a person." And off they go from the Tavern, a final button on the scene finding one of the girls (see, now I don't remember who they are) asking, "Can I have my Coke, please?" How campy. Maybe it's just one more light moment before...

...DOOM! An alarm clock buzzes (and freaks me out anew every time I rewind back into it) at 5:10 AM. Everyone piles into the elevator, and it's not until they're in a slightly more downmarket mini-van that someone asks, "Where's Jenascia?" She's inside, still sleeping. April stands outside, asking if she can go wake her up, but all the girls say they'll just leave if she walks away. Wow. April hops in, feels slightly bad, and that's that. Double-stuffed wow. But seriously, how does anyone sleep through eleven girls getting ready to leave the house? April, dude. Hit the buzzer. Sucks that they take away everyone's cell phones, eh? HIT THE BU...well, very little we can do from here in the future, I guess.

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America's Next Top Model




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