America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Overslept

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Djb: B | Grade It Now!
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Model Behavior

New York! Home of the bravest, finest, rudest, fastest, richest, me-ist, and top model-iest. The skyline looms as public transportation not one of these women would dare buy a designer Metrocard for zooms by. Meanwhile, twelve skinny girls wander the streets. The screen splits itself into four frames because these Mike Figgis-directed reality shows always have the auteur's personal stamp on them someplace, don't they? One of the women, possessing a southern accent and an "ask my about my children...SERIOUSLY, DO IT" t-shirt stashed away in her luggage asks a passerby where she might find Broad Street. Wherever you are, keep going south. Meanwhile, having already found Broad and Water (what is this, The Amazing Race: Manhattan Island? I'm sure half these bitches took taxis anyway, but even half of the taxicabs in New York would be like, "Broad and Water? Is that even in New York?" The correct answer is a tentative, "Sooooort of"), a blonde girl sits on her suitcase, embodying the young-girl- about-to-be- corrupted-by- the-devious-ways- of-the-old-and- infirm-and-in- their-mid-twenties reality-show archetype. She is soon to be joined by a very tall African-American girl wearing hoop earrings Siegfried and Roy's tigers used to jump through flaming versions of before that whole ouchy faster-pussycat-kill-kill thing we don't have time for here, and sporting her hair in a bandanna. She introduces herself as Xiomara, which has its phonetic origins less closely to a name and more closely to the sentiment "See you tomorrow." And I hate people whose names are whole sentences. Except you Native folks among us, who are named that way by tradition. Particularly "He Runs With Djb's Recaps." I love that guy. Thanks for reading, buddy.

SeeYouTomorrow flexes her arm and shows off the best of her I-have-just- danced-out-of-the-video- for-Paula-Abdul's- Cold-Hearted-Snake ensemble, from her black tank top to her Bedazzled black belt. Oh, and army fatigues. Because she loves the troops, is why. She shakes Blondie's hand, the latter of whom introduces herself veeeeeeeeeery quietly as "Catie." A quick cut later, another girl approaches, and SeeYouTomorrow barely registers her, communicating that "I do not have any change, scrappy beggar" glance of horror I have a feeling we'll get to know in a big, big hurry. But, it turns out, that girl is Anna, the token "plus-size" model whose weight must top out...almost in the triple digits! She's fuller than the rest, of that there is no doubt. But in that relative way where people get the McNuggets because they're "less unhealthy" than anything else on the menu. Not any of these girls, mind you. Including Anna. Because of how not fat I mean to explain she is. Or is not. Oh, never mind.

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America's Next Top Model

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