America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Overslept

Episode Report Card
Djb: B | Grade It Now!
Model Behavior

Lara Klingon Boyle is getting a lot of mutant-alien-face-time. Final four, you think? She's the one who fills in the backstory that Jenascia slept the sleep of angels while the others proxied the earthbound role of Satan. Eleven strong, they show up at Industria Studios (775 Washington Street) and meet Nigel Barker, a British photographer who, with every word he speaks, thinks, "I am a British photographer." He loves being a British photographer, people. We learn that the shoot they'll be doing is for color contact lenses, the theme of which is "The Garden of Eden." The girls' bodies will be covered in jewels and paint, and other than that, they're calendar girls all the way. Looks are exchanged among the girls, and Nigels tells them, "You are going to be nude." Anna stares at her sketch drawing, a tousled set of vines entitled "Eve of the Sea." Are they stealing her outfit from the dance theme in Back to the Future? She tells us that she feels like she "represents the moms and the wives of the U.S.," and you can see how she'd make a decision to climb to the high moral ground. She thinks she will be rewarded. And she will. In the afterlife.

"I see we only have eleven," Nigel Barker is coached to say, and April tells us that Jenascia's costume is the most beautiful and elaborate. And, sure enough, we kick it to Jenascia's costume, a red floral nightmare called "Enchanted Archer Eve," designed to humiliate the wearer. Except there's nothing to wear, what with the nakedness. April adds, "That really hits me hard, because it makes it even more apparent that she's not there." As if "her absence" weren't enough of an indicator.

Ring, ring, ring. No wakey-wakey for Jenascia. Sara tells us, "She needs to take accountability." Man. These girls are dumb. At 7:49, Jenascia rouses from her slumber, stumbles toward a ringing phone in the loft, applies aftershave, slaps her hands on the sides of her face, makes nine sequels, marries and divorces Rachel Miner, tries to get stage work, and tanks in Party Monster. Actually, what happens is this: she bawls. Some guy on the other end of the phone (a producer? A shoot coordinator? Jesus? Who is this guy?) tells her to get there "ASAP," but he pronounces it "AY-sap" in that way that makes me want to kill.

"Every Eve must have an Adam," Nigel tells them, and in walk three bohunks in black bikini briefs. Until moments later, when they're wearing nothing at all. Yes, for those of you wondering. This has a lot to do with contact lenses.

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America's Next Top Model




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