America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is America's Next Top Model

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Djb: B | Grade It Now!
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Mercedes Bends

"Milan, Italy," the introductory subtitle helpfully alerts us, as if we haven't been ensconced in Milan, Italy or its hilariously named double-entendred environs (but it sounds like Lake Homo, and it's funny if you're twelve or me) for the past three weeks. The three remaining girls who are to be congratulated for still being in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model -- the cheater, the eater, and the drip-with- cyclophosphamide- and-in-extreme-cases- for-this-condition- the-dialysis-needer -- trudge slowly back to Il Zolofti. Physically spent as a result of the long walk home from the end of last week's episode, they amble back into the house to find a handwritten note from April sticking out of the refrigerator, which is the perfect place to place it if she wanted it found and subsequently read by Yoanna. Utilizing the exceedingly declarative font known to word-processing fans worldwide as I Am Woman Hear Me Capitalize (Sans Serif), the writer -- or should I say "scrawler" -- has scrawled, "Strong! Glorious!" Those two words are underlined -- twice -- and each punctuated by exclamation points. I guess the double underline is covering up the squiggly green lines indicating that this is a fragment and that whoever wrote this should consider revising. Thanks for having my back, Microsoft Word. Now I have to give dual recapping credit to "Djb & AutoCorrect." Below this clarion cry homage to words that would appropriately fill the "adjective" blank in a Mad Libs entitled "A Day At The Drag Queen's," there's more: "Woman kick ass for me!" "Woman kick ass for me"? I don't know exactly where to fault the collapsing grammar in that sentence, but I do know that, in its sheer, nonsensical totality, it makes me sic just looking at it. And after the word "woman," April's written something so egregious it wasn't even worthy of sharing paper-space with the rest of these linguistic pearls, so she crossed it our fourteen thousand times until it was little more than a smudge-y looking Rorschach drawing of April futiley attempting to smile or poo. Because the pained look on her face frequently suggested she was trying and failing at either or both. Oh, and more: "I am here in spirit for you all!" Wow. That was nice of her. Yoanna reads the note aloud with a self-satisfied smirk that says, "That's right. In spirit. A spirit that can't be photographed in designer sunglasses. Perhaps in her spiritual godliness, I can ask my clergy to anoint her The Patron Saint Of Being My Inferior and we can just fit me so the tiara already and go home." Anyway, that's what Yoanna was thinking.

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America's Next Top Model

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