America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm

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Mama Said Knock You Out

The First Annual New York City Stock Footage Film Festival shows its classic entry Bad Moon Setting, as light spreads over the city skyline and sets our scene, approximately, appropriately, as "Somewhere out there/ If love can see us through/ Then we'll be together/ Somewhere out there/ Out where dreams come true." Cut to the more direct location setting of the façade -- which I guess it's only putting up because Simon Doonan told it to look more like itself -- of the ZoLoft. Inside and upstairs, we discover Catie jumping on a couch that Sara is lying on because, I guess, the couch told her that her haircut made her look like a little boy and she decided to exact her cumulative sixty-seven pounds of revenge on it. You show it, Catie. Jump until your hair looks bad! Jump until you can't stop crying! Give that stuffy piece of furniture the Culkin Death Grip you know it so deserves!

But first, cry me a confessional! "The past eliminations," Catie tells us over a clip of last week's Elimination Ceremony Thingymahoosy Vaguely Named Wingding Bimbot, "I'm feeling relieved, I'm feeling disappointed that I've let myself slip down the rankings." And sure enough, there's Catie in flashback standing next to...no one, no one at all! Oh, wait. Pan down, would you? There's a little weensy little girl next to her who, having been shrunk to what I can only guess is a microscopic fraction of her original size, must be prepping for her upcoming trip into a sick man's carotid artery to destroy a blood clot in his brain. Should you fail, brave bloodstream warrior, the entire world will be doomed! Wait! Stop! It's just Jenascia getting eliminated, downcast and dour and hiding under the wide brim of her fashion-forward Mushmouth hat as she skulks back to the DQ. Hey hey hey! Try out the new Blizzard!

Camille, meanwhile, has actually found someone to talk to (well, at, actually) at this late date. She sits in the kitchen giving those "like, couldn't we turn this room into a walk-in 'shoes and elaborate scarves' closet?" eyes that all the girls give when confronted by the wasted space this room presents. I guess she's only talking to April because Camille thinks she's the new girl in the house, which would be the only explanation for why anyone would talk to Camille, and also why none of us has actually ever seen that other girl before. Camille declares, "They can choose, like, a million blonde-haired, blue-eyed girls to walk down a runway. But black women in a show are far and few between." Well, wherever they are, they're not in the back, memorizing their idioms. First of all, it's "few and far between." And, second, no one's asked you to be the token anything on a runway yet, so don't go counting your hatch before they chickens. Syntax, Camille. It's the crop of the cream of spoken grammar skills.

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America's Next Top Model

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