America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A True Miss Diva

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Somebody Does, In Fact, Put Wendy in the Corner

Time for the cuts! There is snipping, there is burning of the scalp. Edward Tricomi tells Sara that, when you're a model, anything and everything goes. Sara is all, "I just wanted to get a pretzel at Auntie Anne's and a nail buffer at the Dead Sea kiosk and now I look like the love child of Rosie O'Donnell and Brigitte Nielsen and whoever that guy is who's the tallest man in the world!" Note to young girls all over the world: do not talk to strangers in the mall, especially if they are UPN employees. Jade bitches to Nnenna that the girls in the modeling world who work have the long hair. Way to comfort the one who's going bald, asshole. Furonda says what could really go without saying: that her last haircut was a disaster. She needs something to make her visibly confident, and hopes that the hair extensions will do the trick. Nnenna gets shaved and Mollie Sue gets shorn. A stylist shows Sara many ridiculous ways to wear her apparently versatile haircut. Seriously, it looks crazy. Sara tells Kari -- who looks more like a member of The Carrie Nations than ever with her giant, fluffy banged hair -- that her boyfriend works for a conservative senator and that she guesses she won't be going to the Christmas party this year. While she has nothing to lose, she might as well get an abortion just for the hell of it.

Jade continues to complain. Joanie speaks for all of us when she interviews, "Jade...just shut. Up." Mollie Sue interviews, "Oh my gosh. Shut up." Brooke -- whose hair I like because it kind of looks like mine, but lighter -- says that Sara got a crazy, funky cut that didn't suit her personality, and that she didn't take it so well. It is seriously so puffy on top. It's kind of like a pompadour. The other girls try to make her feel better about it by saying that it looks good and that she can do a lot with it. I have to say that I wouldn't be excited about that haircut, either. I cut Sara a break or two because she seems sane and pretty normal.

The Jays go around and help each girl define her personal style. Boring and stupid, I know. Brooke is 1940s-1950s vintage. Brooke loves her hair. Gina is "Simplistic Chic." Gina says that she wanted something more drastic for her makeover, but that she's okay with it. Mollie Sue loves her look. Her style is "Mod." Furonda's style is "Quirky Beautiful," minus the beautiful. She loves the hair. Kari is "Bohemian Chic." She says that she was hoping for darker and shorter hair and didn't want to look like a Barbie, but she does, so she'll have to rock it nonetheless. Nnenna's personal style is "New African Queen." She finds the new look empowering but will have to work harder because she has no hair to hide behind. Her hair before made her look like Ed Grimley. Sara's style is "Street Chic," which of course doesn't fit her at all. She interviews that, though she wasn't happy with the cut, she wasn't going to be the girl in the salon crying about her makeover. I respect that. Joanie is "All-American." She loves her makeover and is more confident. She looks exactly the same. Leslie's style is "Simplistic Sexy Chic." She loves her bodacious hair. Wendy is "Urban Glam." Her hair also looks the same as before. Danielle's style is "Hip-Hop Glam." She likes what she calls her long Rapunzel hair. Except when she's in the tower and her suitor yells, "Danielle! Danielle! Let down your hair!" she'll reply, "Your lazy ass can climb the damn stairs, bitch. Nobody's yanking on this weave." Furonda and Jade might be featured in this episode, but something tells me we shouldn't sleep on Danielle just yet. Jade defines her personal style as "Bohemian." She complains some more about her hair, saying that she thought she'd get long extensions, which Furonda got. Despite its poodle-esque quality, I actually think Jade's hair looks a lot better post-makeover.

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America's Next Top Model

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