America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Goes To Texas

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Yellow Hos Of Texas

When we return, it is daylight, and Melrose is wearing the same ugly upholstery skirt and a weird slutty crocheted tank top. She looks like a hooker working a day job at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Monique explains to Anchal that, around 11, she wiped "her little thingy" on Melrose's bed. Her little thingy, eh? And here Melrose thought that Monique was playing leapfrog with the bed. Monique, it must be added, is wearing a shirt with the price tag still on. And her bra hanging out. I am not surprised on either count. Anchal interviews that Melrose and Monique are always going at it, and that they're both really immature. The girls are standing in front of the mirror in this order: Monique, Anchal, Melrose. Monique says, as if Melrose isn't there, that if Melrose doesn't bother Monique, Melrose won't have any problems. Melrose notes that everything's a big deal with Monique. She interviews that it's hard to deal with someone who has no respect or compassion for other people, and then tells Michelle that she knows how to defend herself, because she's been attacked by girls many times in her life. Somehow, this does not surprise me. Melrose makes the good point that Monique is doing this because it's the only way she has to get attention, given that her personality sucks. Melrose says that she's not going to make up with Monique, because their rivalry is making Monique compete worse. They're like Evert-Navratilova circa 1982, but much less dykey.

Meanwhile, it's finally time for the damn challenge. Brooke says that she interpreted their Tyra Mail to mean that they'd be designing their own dresses and walking in them. Well, it's the best you can expect from a high-school dropout. The girls go to some ornate house with a cobblestone bridge and walkway, where Miss J. meets them in a drag queen's interpretation of a Shirley Temple dress. He looks like a big chocolate-covered cherry. Or, rather, a cherry-covered chocolate. Wearing a mask. A cherry-covered chocolate on Halloween. Michelle says that every time they see J., he's in something more radical and hilarious. I think all the commentary around how awesome J. is is trying to make us forget how much we can't stand him anymore. You know who I can stand, though? The twins. They look so pretty in this episode. J. prances down a big line of police "do not cross" caution tape, which should really surround him wherever he goes.

J. tells the girls that their balance is going to be put to the test, and then for no reason at all introduces Season 5's Bre, who is apparently "one of the best walkers" the show's ever had. Bre stomps down the cobblestones, but is not even close to the caution tape. What's up with that? And on a similar note, what's up with her giant fro Ronald McDonald hair? J. tells the girls that they have to walk a straight line and be poised and balanced while dealing with the cobblestones, and masks. They get about five minutes each to strip down and get into yet another ugly dress and heels, and also each accessorize themselves with a mask, which apparently makes it very hard to see. I wish one of them had a Richard Nixon mask. Maybe A.J.

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America's Next Top Model




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