America's Next Top Model

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Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Chantal is going to get some straight bangs and a weave. Lisa has a beautiful face, and is going to get exactly the same lesbian haircut as Sarah. Lisa says that she's never had her hair short. I imagine that's bad for business. And then, in perhaps the most baffling change, Tyra says that they're going to take Jenah to the very big next ten million steps level and give her the Season 3 Amanda. Don't make me talk about the movie where the kids grow their hair to make magic paintbrushes again. Janet, who doesn't look like a model in person, gets even shorter, darker hair. She says she loves it, even though it looks like crap. Ebony is next to learn her new look, and Tyra notes that the hair and makeup people keep telling her about Ebony's rubber-cemented weave. That weave is going to be taken out, and in its place, she's going to get a long, straight Naomi Campbell style. Why is Tyra kissing Naomi's ass this season? Probably to convince us that they're no longer arch-nemeses. BUT WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

Saleisha looks very catalogue, and she has to come to high fashion. Thus, she's getting a Louise Brooks bob, which Jay says can save a commercial girl. Everyone loves Heather's hair as it is, so she's just going to get a little trim and some highlights. Heather says she's relieved, because she likes her long hair. Usually this is the kiss of death, but in this case, I think Heather's safe.

And then, the makeovers happen! Bianca says that she's a black girl going platinum blonde, and is going to look like a streetwalker. Because the $25 red weave was the height of elegance. Ken Paves himself chops off Sarah's hair. She says she's been wanting to go short for a while, and the only reason she didn't is that she thought she'd look like her mom. I'm sure her mom feels totally flattered by that. The end result is actually not as heinous as one might expect, and Sarah loves it. What is with these weird strappy bathing suits they have to wear for their photos?

Victoria gets her highlights and says she's going to be a smart blonde. We'll wait until panel before assessing the accuracy of that statement. Victoria feels pretty. Maybe at the very least, being on this show will lead her to get a pedicure once in a while. She's really happy with her makeover. Ken Paves walks around and says he was expecting some drama and wants to see some tears. "Make it burn!" he says. What's with his five o'clock porn 'stache? In any case, he gets his wish as the weaveologist pulls Ebony's weave from her head. Seriously, her weave is GLUED TO HER HEAD. And maybe that glue is what was really keeping everything together inside, because Ebony tells us that she's lonely and sad without her weave. With every passing show, I'm more surprised that she passed the psych test. Miss J. pets the wig and asks Ebony how much it set her back. She admits that it was actually free. Free because she pulled it out of the dumpster outside the Star Jones Wig Company.

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America's Next Top Model

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