America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Gets Pwn'd

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Things that Make You Go Pwn

With that it's morning. Though most of the girls are slumbering in their beds, Victoria is pounding it out on the treadmill. Her long, skinny limbs were made for power walking! Poor Victoria is quite anxious and hasn't been sleeping. She's very worried about her standing in the competition. And also I'm guessing it's hard for her to doze off when she's not naked and spooning her mom. The girls then head to Culver Studios, where they see cameras and sensors all over the place. Rob is there in real-life and video game form, along with real-life and video game supermodel Chrissy Teigen. As real life Rob and Chrissy talk, video game Rob and Chrissy move and talk along with them. Rob says that both of them have worked on video games before, and this is how it all begins. They emerge from behind a screen in their video game filming suits, replete with sensor buttons and bright, colorful crotches. Do you think that's purely for decoration? Or is this to subliminally encourage us to think even more about Rob's junk?

Chrissy tells the girls that their challenge today is to bring a game character to life using every tool in their modeling chest. Their bony, bony modeling chest. Taylor Kurosaki, the narrative lead for Naughty Dog, is on hand. Naughty Dog's approach to video games entails something called the active cinematic experience. This means that actors record their voices and their movements at the same time. Taylor and Chrissy will be judging, and the winner will get to record their very own signature pwn, which will be featured in something called Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. For those of us who are too old to know what a pwn is, Rob explains that it's like the little dance that football players do when they score a touchdown. And really: if Ms. Pac Man doesn't do it, I don't know about it. Does it involve eating a fruit for bonus points?

Chrissy introduces stunt movement coordinator Mike Mukatis, who will teach the girls a few basic moves. First, though, they must get suited up. So many colorful crotches! Victoria practices her pwn, which looks a lot like calisthenics. Mike goes through the storyline and corresponding moves. Basically, Rob and the models are on a ship that is about to blow up and scampering to get off. But the female character is a dumb bitch who forgot her camera and actually goes back for it. She then has to jump over a thing and grab a thing and jump over another thing and roll. And then the ship blows up. But everyone is safe and stuff, regrettably. I think they should have to do this for real, with an actual ticking bomb nearby.

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America's Next Top Model




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