America's Next Top Model

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When we return, there is Tyra Mail. Someone's going home. Heather, who is actually starting to look more and more like the slightly cross-eyed Dixie Chick, tells us that she has no idea who's going home, and also that she hates eliminations. Because she's nice! We get it! Ambreal is worried about whether she got a good shot. She says that she can be America's Next Top Model, because she has it in her heart. I would think having it in her face was more important, but what do I know. She prays that she can stay there and prove herself. The Lord probably is getting to the point, like a parent with a whiny child who keeps asking for the same thing over and over, where he's like, "God! Okay, as long as you shut up for a minute and let me finish my crossword." Ebony, meanwhile, is praying that Tyra sends her home. She says she just can't handle the criticism at panel and doesn't think it's fair. High-fashion ass-whoopings never are.

Panel! We enter with a photo of Tyra's face next to a plastic water bottle that says, "Just finish it." What does that even mean? Finish my bottle of water? What if I'm not all that thirsty? What if I want to save some for later? What if a fly flew in it and now I feel kind of grossed out and like I might get the plague or something? Do you still want me to finish it, Tyra? Actually, on that last point, she probably does. All the girls crack up at panel because Nigel is wearing one of Miss J.'s cast-off Afros. I would give anything I owned to see him turn to Tyra and say, "Woman, I got a mind to smack you upside the head!" Meanwhile, Tyra probably did pay Miss J. a nickel to bust up her chifferobe, which is how he got the money for the 'fro extension. There are prizes, there are judges. Tyson is the guest judge, and Tyra maybe wants to give a watering can a hand job when she introduces him, too.

Saleisha is up first for evaluation, and gets some high praise from Nigel, who says this is the way she needs to keep going. Tyra says that Saleisha is a beautiful girl who is showing a lot of neck, which makes her more high fashion. Tyson likes what she did with her lips. He makes me feel gross even when I can't see his dirty arms. Jenah is next, and her cardboard picture turns out well. Tyson loves her attitude. Nigel says there's finally alignment between Jenah in pictures and Jenah in person, and that he'd book her. In other words, she stopped looking so raggedy all the time. Twiggy also loves her photo, and Jenah is excited. Not so excited is Ambreal, who has serious dead eyes in her photo. Because she's an idiot, she tries to blame it on the eyelashes. Like, getting your liver out is not a good enough excuse to not work it in a photo. Buck up. Miss J. had no positives for Ambreal, and said the thing again about her forgetting how to model. Tyra says that Ambreal's challenge is to become more comfortable in her natural ability, and that the girl in photos now is not the girl who started in this competition. Maybe that's because Ambreal's body has been taken over by dull aliens in need of a host vessel? I mean, maybe not. But you never know.

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America's Next Top Model




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