America's Next Top Model

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Previously on ANTM: Trampolines! Ice skating! High-fashion gargoyles! Would you expect less? Janet bit the dust and got sent home, which means that nine bitches remain.

We open the week with Ebony, noshing directly from the fridge, asking Jenah if her personality really sucks that much. Jenah says it all has to do with the way that she brings it at panel. Ebony interviews that she's at the bottom of the competition so far -- her pictures are terrible, she sucks at the challenges, and she's tired of going to panel and always getting tons of negative feedback. I will make two points: 1) Ebony has had a few good pictures; 2) She seems to be wearing one of Phylicia Rashad's cast-off dresses from The Cosby Show. I guess the producers wanted a fabric representation of her supposedly rancid insides. Ebony tells us that the judges don't like her personality, and so she's going to try to smile more and come off as a nice person. Ha! I love how they caught her basically admitting that she kind of sucks as a human being. Tyra totally hand-picked that clip herself. Jenah sums up the situation with a profound, "But...whatever."

Meanwhile, Ambreal talks to her dad. She tells us how terrible it was to be in the bottom two, but says that she's glad to still be there and have a chance to do better. Her dad tells her to be focused and not worried about having a good time all the time. Is Ambreal worried about having a good time any of the time? Ambreal tells her dad to pray for her. Girl, no offense, but believe me when I tell you that God could give two shits.

Meanwhile, Heather is stressing about the fact that she hasn't been able to give a good full-frontal shot. Well, it's hard when your strengths lie in the ass and the burgers. She tells us that from the minute she woke up, she was having a bad day, because she hadn't even realized that she was doing all those profile shots. Bianca, who really looks like she could care less, tells Heather that for the next shoot, she should give all front shots and no profiles. Bianca tells us that she's getting closer to some girls as the competition goes on, but she's keeping the competition "in front of her face" at all times. What this has to do with Heather, I couldn't tell you. Heather tells Bianca that she's practically hit rock bottom. This is obviously a girl who's never had a fellow contestant smear cooter juice on her. Why so dramatic, little Heaths?

Back inside, there is a knock at the door. Jenah runs to answer it, and finds Mr. Male Supermodel of the 1990s Tyson Beckford at the door. She is so instantly horny that she can't even speak. Hey, that's what Tyson does to you. He's like the chicken, but all dark meat. Speaking of, if you want to get lots of tattoos, take heed of the lessons learned from Mr. Beckford and don't do it in such a fashion that it just looks like you have really dirty arms all the time. Jenah calls all the girls together, and there is pandemonium. Or, rather, hormonedemonium. Ebony is waving her hands around like she just found Jesus. A suddenly Asperger's-less Heather interviews, "Eye candy. Yum."

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America's Next Top Model




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