America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Deals With A Pervert

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Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
Pick Up The Francophone

"Wilhelmina" is the most difficult word to spell in modeling. Right after "Sorry." And "sorry I threw that curling iron at your head." And "over twenty-five." Anyway, a piece of Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! informs the models that they will be heading over to Wilhelmina Models the next morning, and Elyse firms up her role in this episode as "Greek Chorus For What I Imagine Must Be Some Insanely Slow Greeks" by reminding us, "Wilhelmina is the agency that we will receive a contact from if we win the contest." It IS? And I haven't even combed my hair. Eh. I'm sure it's also partly about what's on the inside.

"Hey, everybody," Drew Carey says when...oh, that's totally not Drew Carey. Is it possible, finally, in this blessed year, that the last traces of Drew Carey have finally been expunged from our bruised pop culture? And, if so, does it mean he took that "Mimi" with him? Please say so. Anyway, "Drew" "Carey" turns out, in fact, to be a man named Pink -- and A Man Named Pink is totally going to be the name of my sociology tome about growing up as a gay Drew Carey impersonator in turn-of-the-century America, coming this fall from Mighty Big Press -- who is the director of the women's division here at Wilhelmina. He toes the line (modeling is hard! Models are pretty!) that, after you're signed, modeling is hard. Two or three thousand girls can be vying for one or two spots, and the time girls don't spend working, they spend on "Go Sees," which the helpful subtitle definition alert (SDA) feature that we've never seen before tells us is an "interview with a prospective client." Pink adds that, in a minute and a half, they need to impress on the client that they're the girl, noting, "If you can get four or five clients that are booking you once a month, you'll make twenty, twenty-five thousand a month." Five total days of working a month. Modeling is hard. Modeling is hard. Don't forget. Modeling is hard.

Pink also goes through each of the girls' photo shoot results from the show thus far. Elyse tells us that they "made their first portfolio," which, to my eyes, means that Pink slid the photos into plastic sleeves and slipped them into a black binder. Genius! For all of your modeling packaging needs, go to Staples, where the tagline is "That was easy," which makes me wish Shandi were on the show this season because that joke would have been Goddamn easier than anything.

Pink sits down with each of the ladies and points out various hair don'ts and blackheads and autographed photos of Ryan Stiles (the ladies are all, "Er, no thanks, bud") he has access to as a working industry professional. He notes the photograph of Elyse with the snake and tells her, "This is amazing. Like, I could send you out with this picture right now." Which, really, was when I started to think that Elyse was just going to take this thing and run away with it. Pink (I'm sorry...I just can't call him that) asks Adrianne if they're going to see her hair all made up and lovely or if they're going to see it the way it is now, all tied back in a ponytail. Tough talk for the world's second most famous person named after the gayest of the Crayola 64. If you're named Pink and you didn't record, "Get the Party Started," shut up, Pink. Also, if you're the Pink who did? Shut up, Pink.

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America's Next Top Model




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