America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cries Home

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As If Your Soul is Gone

There's a big booming noise in the house, which Victoria of course thinks is an earthquake. With her Liberty University association, I figured she'd think it was the Lord's final judgment coming upon us. In fact, it's the Iota Phi Theta step team! The ladies are appreciative of the fine chocolate men before them, but their sparkle soon fades as male supermodel of the world and sparkly-toothed judge Rob Evans enters. He congratulates them on being models, which seems a little precipitous, then tells them to go get their favorite dresses because they're going to Hollywood! They go to a place called Club Eden, where they see an androgynous performer swinging from a hula hoop that comes down from the ceiling. It's Jonte', who is a singer/dancer/choreographer/resident of The Capitol who has worked with Beyonce among others. And I can't help but sing, "Sashay! Jonte'! Jonte' Jonte' Jonte'!" whenever I see him. Jonte' is captioned as "Choreographer and Movement Mentor," which makes me wonder if he's the new Miss J. In any case, he knows a little bit about how to work it. That is literally his job qualification.

Jonte' tells the girls that, especially with the public voting element of the competition this year, they need to learn how to connect with their audience. Thus, the forthcoming challenge. Whoever "brings it the most" while walking/strutting/dancing/hula-hoop-hanging back and forth on the stage will win the challenge and the key to the Tyra Suite. She couldn't even call it the "Supermodel Suite" or something? You know if she has kids she's going to go the Michael Jackson route and call them "Prince Tyra I" and "Prince Tyra II." Kiara is up first, and aims to be fierce but not too sexy. Jonte' loves how cute and androgynous Jessie is, but all is ruined as she awkwardly walks on the stage. Destiny tells us that this challenge is not her thing, because no matter which way you spin it you're going to look like a ho. Try the Jessie supreme awkwardness route, I say! Instead, Destiny squats down a pole like she's taking a poop in the woods. Not cute.

Nastasia is next, and seems to do a fine job, while Leila's head takes a beating from the hula hoop. Brittany puts on extreme sexy face, and then goes straight for the hula hoop and starts twirling. How did she know how to do that? I feel like it would take me a bit of time to figure out exactly how to hoist myself up on a hanging hoop and spin. I guess some people are just naturally have a little bit of Cirque du Soleil in their blood, OR community colleges are giving a more well-rounded education than we suspected. My secret favorite Kristin is next, and just walks around looking bitchy with her ass hanging out of her dress. She tugs the dress down at some point, which Jonte' says is actually a big no-no. If a designer were to see you do that, he says, they'd fire you for life. Rob agrees. Well, note to self, I guess. Darian looks just normal as she walks, while Laura summons all the drunk college girl mojo she has inside and sort of bounces around, possibly while snapping her fingers. Maria looks severe and awkward and almost falls off the stage. Victoria questions whether Harvard Maria really wants it, possibly because her real degree from Harvard has subconsciously conditioned her to have goals that go beyond working a hoop in a dingy nightclub. I know, what a jerk!

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America's Next Top Model

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