America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cries Home

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As If Your Soul is Gone

Tyra drops one more bit of new knowledge on the contestants when she shows them the Tyra Suite -- a big room in the house with a giant bed and signs on the wall that say things like "Smize your eyes out" and "You + your flaws + awesome = flawsome." Wow, another mathematical equation! The girl who gets best photo will get the key to the Tyra Suite for one week, and also have access to the fashion closet, which is stocked with Nine West shoes and Smashbox makeup and also some clothes. Tyra then announces that there's a special "scholarship money" aspect to the competition. Every week, the girl who wins the challenge will receive a $10,000 deposit into her personal bank account. That sounds fantastic, right? Well, it turns out you can only cash that in if you win the whole competition. That is some trifling shit right there. Give the losers a little cash to finish their education, I say! Just send it directly to Sallie Mae!

The ladies hang out in their back yard and play with the giant chess set. No one really knows how to play, not even Maria from Harvard! Still, we must emphasize the fact that she's really smart. And thus, Maria tells us that she was 12 when she went to high school, 16 when she went to college, and 21 when she went to grad school. She's a regular Doogie Howser! Except she looks more like Vinnie, right? Anyway, Maria went to grad school at Harvard, JUST LIKE TYRA! Except that while Tyra real-modeled first and THEN fake-went to Harvard, Maria real-went to Harvard first and now is fake-modeling. Kiara announces to her roommates that she's the oldest of seven kids, then tells us about her rough childhood with an absent mother who didn't care very much but kept procreating. So Kiara was the one who raised her siblings.

In contrast, Victoria LOVES her mom. LOVES. And it's very hard for her to be away from her mom while she's in this competition. Whereas the other girls talk about how they miss their boyfriends, Victoria announces that she's never had a boyfriend and, upon prompting, that she's a virgin. She then says that she has no intention of getting a boyfriend ever, and, I quote, "I get all of the satisfaction of a relationship that I need from my mom. I don't feel like I should be stigmatized or ostracized for that." Uhhhh, well. Kudos for setting herself and her mom up for a new Grey Gardens 2013 reality show on TLC, I guess? Victoria tells the other girls that her mom is so selfless in a way that she can't ever imagine a man being. Do you guys think that Victoria was ever actually allowed out of her house before? Hmm. Kristin sums it up thusly: "Victoria, she annoys the fuck out of me... she's just crazy." I know she's a mean girl, but secretly I kind of love Kristin.

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America's Next Top Model

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