America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cheated

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A Lump In His Haute

A subtitle reminding us we're in "Milan, Italy" accompanies shots of carefree, mint-loving Milanos who find it just as weird as the rest of the civilized world does that there's actually an "orange" flavor. They make up a Milan street scene, doing Milano things: they talk animatedly with their hands, they ride bicycles that the cinema of their youths told them are always mere moments from getting stolen, they cruise around on scooters and go, "Ciao!" But up in Il ZoLofto, things are somewhat less "Italy between the hours of 12 and 3 every day and also all day during the entire month of August" and somewhat more "Italy when it was feverishly trying to figure out how to strip Roberto Benigni of his citizenship because of that one year he clomped all over the collective heads of the Academy." A clanging alarm clock rings through the apartmenti, and Yoanna somehow manages to negotiate herself over rolls and rolls of unsightly, excess flab (send your hate mail and dissenting opinions to nigel.barker@antm.com) to turn it off, all the while removing a breakfast Twinkie from her internal monologue and voicing over, "Whoever said modeling was easy...it is not." Whoever did say modeling was easy? Probably neurosurgeons. And professional snipers. And inner-city junior high school teachers. But they are not here to learn. Because they are too busy. Working.

April, meanwhile, sits up in bed, conveniently reminding us through the elegant power of voice-over, "I'm tired." Heh. Maybe if this whole top model gig doesn't work out for her (and...well, just call it a hunch), April can clone her already robotic likeness with a series of talking dolls called "Intuitively Edited April." When sitting up groggily in bed, Intuitively Edited April voices over, "I'm tired." When drinking a glass of water, Intuitively Edited April voices over, "I'm thirsty." When cutting her clothing sheer off her body during an elimination ceremony until she looks like a whorish extra in a Samantha Fox video from, like, ninety-eighty pi, Intuitively Edited April voices over, "I'm booted." She continues talking. That string is much longer than it looks when I pulled it! "Every day that passes by here is another day that we're closer to our dreams." April, you share our collective dream of a show without April? Mommy, can we return this Intuitively Edited April toy? I find it much too technical.

Posta di Tyra! Posta di Tyra! With an elegant Italian accent that subtly tells you that "the best part of Roman Holiday is that I was in it, when I go to my crazy place," Yoanna reads the Tyra Mail: "Fiducia, Sensualita, Beliezza, e Eleganza. Find out what these words mean today." Or, according to my trusty Alta Vista translator and in absolutely no particular order, right now: Confidence Sensualita, Elegance, and, well, "Beliezza." Yeah. I feel Beliezza a lot these days. "Be ready to leave at 12:15." But with the time difference, Jenascia will have forgotten to set her watch, and now she's sure not to get there until 7:15! Those other girls...they can be so Greenwich Mean. (Sorry. Never gets old.)

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America's Next Top Model

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