America's Next Top Model

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Potes: C- | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Easy, Breezy, Tootieful
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirteen finalists took the competition to the next level. The next level being mediocrity, I suppose. And I mean, after nine seasons, did we expect any less? While some girls kicked ass, and Asperger's, many others just outright sucked from the beginning. Three girls have survived it all, and tonight one of them will be named America's Next Top Model. Tyra asks, "Will it be Chantal, the bubbly blonde from Austin, Texas?" Is that a rhetorical question? Chantal was supposedly good, then supposedly not as good, leading the judges to wonder if this Barbie blonde has what it takes to become extraordinary. Well, she has what it takes to fellate a lime popsicle, if nothing else. Or will it be Saleisha, Tyra asks, the California girl who came into the competition with confidence? Yes, the type of confidence you could only get at a camp for girls named after the part of your face that gets really shiny, or in a nationally aired Wendy's commercial. I'm just saying. Or will it be Jenah, the photogenic tomboy with the sarcastic streak and the horse teeth? Good photos, difficult attitude, etc. Can Jenah turn on the charm and prove she's there to win? This question is cut off very quickly, before Tyra starts cackling and says, Heat Miser-like, "I'm too much!"

We begin with Tyra Mail: "This competition is ripe for the picking! It's time to show me your flava! Love, Tyra." Ah, so the girls will be doing commercials for Cover Girl's new Flava Collection, designed by the one and only Flava Flav! It's the natural choice for people who want to look like burn victims. Chantal, however, believes that they'll be shilling for Cover Girl flavored lip glosses. Oh, fine. Saleisha interviews that getting to the final three is a big journey for her, and she's so proud of herself. Oh, I'm sure she is. She made it to the top with no advantage over the other girls whatsoever! You know, I think that Tyra actually gave Saleisha that hideous Tootie wig just to try to convince us that she really was being harder on Saleisha, because she's, like, her adopted daughter or whatever. It's a bob of lies, is what it is.

The girls all lounge together on a bed. Jenah tells Saleisha that if the two of them are in the bottom two, she thinks she'll go home. Meaning, Jenah will go home. Saleisha, totally knowing this is true, just kind of shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know. BOB OF LIES. Meanwhile, Chantal prattles on. Jenah interviews that going home is not an option, and she wants to win. She says she's held on and held on and held on this long, so it will really suck if she gets sent home at this point.

The three girls meet Jay Manuel, who welcomes them to paradise. In his ass. Parad-ass. No, no, it's just regular old paradise. Brent Poer from Cover Girl is there, and everyone knows what this means -- another Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot. I love how they couldn't even get one other corporate sponsor this year to do a commercial for. Not even Campbell's soup or Special K! They all pulled out because they could smell the fix! In any case, the winner will see the print ad she shoots today go national. The product being shilled is Cover Girl Wetslicks Fruit Spritzers. Wouldn't a fruit spritzer ideally be a drink involving white wine and, like, orange crush? What does this have to do with lip goo? In any case, Wetslicks Fruit Spritzers come in twelve colors, and each girl is going to represent one of the colors. And, Brent neglects to mention, flavors. My Bonne Bell Lip Smacker could totally beat down this so-called spritzer without even taking the cap off of its tube.

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America's Next Top Model

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