America's Next Top Model
The Girl The Lionesses Are Hunting

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Tea And No Sympathy

Previously on America's Next Top Model: the girls went to Tokyo, where they were forced to do a soup commercial in Japanese. Ann did surprisingly well, and Eva did surprisingly poorly. She lashed out after her performance, wishing ill on others (Norelle), pissing off some people (Ann). Nicole was sent home. Wait, I can't believe they didn't even mention the umeboshi! Which, by the way, I think I am addicted to.

Tokyo! It's New York to the tenth power! But right now, it's quiet. The girls sleep in the capsule hotel. Amanda dries her skanky hair in the communal bathroom. She says that the Fontaine Akasaka capsule hotel is very low-rent. And if anyone would know about low-rent, it is, indeed, Amanda. Koko, the girls' Japanese guide, wakes the girls up with some Tyra Mail. And how awesome would it have been if it were Koko the gorilla? Except then the Tyra Mail would have been turned into a tool for collecting grubs and hailed as a significant anthropological discovery. And Koko would have to try to communicate with the girls via sign language, and Ann would get very offended when Koko asked for a banana. And then Koko and Norelle would both have to sit at a typewriter indefinitely to see who could produce Hamlet first. And then Koko, having won that task by a wide margin (and thrown in the sonnets, to boot), would decide that she much prefers the company of kittens to these idiots and leave them to their own devices, which is probably why someone gets lost on the streets of Tokyo next week. ["Koko. That chimp's all right." -- Wing Chun]

Amanda is apparently the early riser of the group, since all of the other girls are super-sleepy. Yaya reads the Tyra Mail, which says, "Hope you enjoyed your cozy beds, but now it's time to stretch your legs. Pack your bags and get ready to go, at 11:00 a new home you'll know." Eva says "thank goodness" for this bit of news, because the girls expected something a bit more posh than the capsule hotel in Tokyo. Eva affectionately rubs a sleeping Ann's hair, and maybe is holding her hand a little, too. Norelle (who looks like she sleeps in the nude) bumps her head on the top of her capsule.

Yaya -- who does not look like a prize when she wakes up, let me tell you -- gathers her belongings from her locker. She interviews that, during panel, the other girls' critique had to do with performance, and hers had to do with character. That's because you're an asshole, you jerk. We get a flashback of Tyra advising Yaya to eat herself some humble pie. Yaya says, "I know who I am and I know what kind of reputation I have, but I didn't show that to you here. So I'm going to take that and I'm going to swallow it, thank you." You know, the other day I was in my car flipping through the radio, and I happened to come across the travesty that is Billy Gilman singing "Sleigh Ride," and I had this immediate visceral reaction of just wanting to fly through the airwaves, grab him by the neck, rip out his vocal chords with my bare hands and then strangle him with them. And then it occurred to me that Yaya makes me have the exact same reaction. I'm just saying.

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America's Next Top Model




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