America's Next Top Model
The Girl Is Here To Win

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The Gospel According To Elyse

"What do want to do after this?" J. asks the girls, while standing on the runway still wearing his black mini. Weirdest. Career counseling day. Ever. Katie says that she wants to pursue acting, but acting is all, "Yeah, we'll see about that." Ebony, who knew, is a singer and a comedian, and I sympathize with her on behalf of both of those career goals because (a) nothing rhymes with "militant lesbian," and (b) there's nothing funny about militant lesbianism, okay? Elyse shares that she's going to start medical school in August, and J. gets all tsk-y about it and warns, "That's a lotta work," adding the cautionary "My boyfriend's a doctor." Girls, J. Boys dates girls. Giselle, mysteriously, takes this moment to swipe some confessional time, telling us, "Her dream is to be a doctor," which she delivers in much the same cadence as she would if she were saying, "Her dream is to be a baby eater." I love how she says it like she just ate a rotten piece of doctor and is trying to spit it out as fast as possible. Giselle adds, "That really, really pisses me off." Does she not know what a doctor is? Because she seems to want fewer of them in the world, and for a moment it almost seems like Giselle doesn't even know who was responsible for giving her her titties.

The producers ingeniously decide to taunt the girls with carbs, and we cut over to a post-catwalk meal at Front Street Pizza. Well, I stand corrected! They totally dragged them to Brooklyn after all! Hi, you guys! Hiii-iiiiiii! Come over any time. I am always, seriously, always here. Always. Adrianne tells us of Elyse, "She doesn't really eat as much as I would care for her to," as we spy Elyse eating oatmeal, while an apple and a lollipop sit close by. To which an increasingly meddled-with Elyse would probably finally snap and be inclined to respond, "Well, Adrianne doesn't really smoke as much as I would care for her to," pausing before smiling and adding, "because it means that she won't be dead as quickly as I would prefer her to be" before smashing the closest camera with one of her pointy shoulder blades and curling up to sleep in the private darkness of the nearest confessional.

Back at the No-Fat-otel, Nicole comments to Elyse that she was the only person J. didn't give any negative feedback to, but nevertheless Elyse is still going for the correlate in Non Sequitur Self-Deprecation. In a confessional, she tells us, "I think I performed really, really poorly, and I'm not used to being incapable at anything." Man, you'd think that of all the girls in the house, Elyse wouldn't be the one most comfortable in a space called a "confessional." As the girls stride up and down on the runway in the living room, she comes to a realization, "I do not have the will to walk on the catwalk like I give a damn. I don't want to be a model. I don't. I can't. Eliminate me." A beat. "Do it." No, Elyse! But you're so cuuuuuuute! There. You happy now?

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America's Next Top Model




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