America's Next Top Model
The Girl Is Here To Win

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The Gospel According To Elyse

"I'm very serious about this," Ebony tells us while wearing a poofy black skirt with fringe on the bottom and surrey on top, like she was all, "Fuck you, extras from the 'Safety Dance' video. Now give me all your clothes. That's right. And your safety." She vogues all the way down to the ground in front of a mirror and completes the thought, "We are in a competition, and my plan is to win. There is nothing but that." Ebony is already lapsing into readings from The Reality-Show Playbook, where she's just here to compete and she doesn't care what she has to do to win. She could start by being gracious enough to give all of them back their safety.

After a jag of listening to someone saying something typical, or dumb, this show is smart enough to turn it around so that we get to listen to someone say something atypical, or smart. In the case of Elyse, the smart thing that she says, is, well, "I am smart." And here it is verbatim: "There are times I've felt very uncomfortable, because I am an academic, and I love being an academic." I am so smart, S-M-R-T. "I love science." But math is hard! "I applied to medical school." And I applied to be the Pope. How is the acceptance part working out? "It's just been different being out of my natural environment." Your environment of "around people on your own academic level," you mean? How could anybody there not like you? Meh. I said the same exact thing when I was in prison. Now give me back my hair!

Robin and Shannon sit in the living room of Not-An-Ounce-Of-Fat-otel, reading the scriptures. No, I know. Totally. Robin has her copy of the Bible open directly and conveniently to The Book Of Proving Her Point, as she reads out loud, "The fool has said in his heart there is no God." And, god bless it, I might not love it when people hand me flyers on the subway foretelling my own impending date in a red room with a hot poker (and I've already been on that date, and, well, not my thing), but at least her public reading offers Robin one of her rarest of opportunities to correctly pronounce our language's grammar. Not that the Bible is exactly a usage lesson in its own right, but it sure beats what's next out of Robin, which even the helpful subtitle can only interpret, "I'm-a ask Miss Elyse to come here." Oh, don't do it. Please please please. Why do we believe everything we read? And even if we do, why do we have to convince everyone else of it? Because, again, beliefs are beliefs and it's awful nice to have them, but if someone else is going to try and convince me of those beliefs through her cunning powers of "I'm better than you are," you'd better believe my rebuttal passage is going to come in the form of the words, "Careful! The coffee you are about to enjoy is extremely hot!" from The Book Of Venti Starbucks Cup filled with scalding coffee. Death by latte. Even the Pope thinks it's fine, y'all. Because it was invented by Italy.

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America's Next Top Model




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