America's Next Top Model
The Girl Is Here To Win

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The Gospel According To Elyse

Back at No-Fat-otel, Katie reads the Tyra Mail about tomorrow's elimination. Elyse confides in Adrianne that she thought the prayer was "so inappropriate," and now that she's got Adrianne's attention, wonders aloud if Kesse is going to win because she looks like Tyra: "Because then it would be like Tyra just choosing another Tyra." Good thing no one there is the spitting image of Marie Claire's Beau Qullian, because not a top model would that kind of self-loving partisanship make. Not to mention the fact that Kesse doesn't really look anything like Tyra. Elyse wraps us her Loose Ends Confessional Tour by telling us that, though the other girls think she's not taking the competition seriously, "what the other girls don't know is that I'm starting to take the competition more seriously than I'm letting on." Totally! I don't get it.

So much prayer in that house! Adrianne is "scared" going into the elimination ceremony, Robin is deep in prayer, and, per Giselle, "if I get eliminated, I'm gonna be really pissed off." Please note this sentiment is the completion of a thought from a confessional we saw earlier, and I'll bet you one shiny nickel that it comes right off of the statement, "Her dream is to be a doctor. That really, really pisses me off."

And into the elimination room we go, where the judges' table is so crowded my screen practically becomes letterboxed just to get them all in. Four judges at that enormous dais was a good, good call for Season 2, y'all. The challenge this week is a runway walk while holding a jacket. Tyra thinks Robin took it off too early, and Baby Phat girl thinks Robin could use a bit less eye contact. Robin rationalizes that she does that because she's used to looking at her audience from her days in pageants, and Baby Phat girl sneers like pageants give you cancer. They love Robin's picture, and Marie Claire (whatever, that's his name from now on. The "q" is ten points and, quite frankly, I'm not sure he deserves them all) notes, "That face does not say twenty-six." That's because, according to an earlier confessional, Robin is now twenty-seven. Janice hears for the first time that Robin is twenty-six and thinks out loud, "That's a little old." Poor thing, Janice actually knows this information as a statistic, because when she was twenty-six years old, twenty-six was the age of the average human lifespan.

Nicole's picture was too breast-y but her walk was good. Giselle was too dancer-y for a change, and Janice hates what she did with the coat. Shannon can't close her mouth, which J. calls "catching flies," and Janice loves the photograph. Adrianne was a little too sexy in her walk but they love her photo. Ebony is a little too "catalogue" in her pose, and her photograph, according to Janice, is "perfect." It is not. Elyse's walk is "perfection," and the photographer said she took direction really well, even though Elyse notes, "I don't really like it." Katie walks like a dime-store hooker, and Tyra think the picture "cheapens" her, which means that were she to get any cheaper, she would be equivalent to one dollar in devalued Argentinean currency. Kesse is a little uncomfortable with her walk, which "didn't flow," according to Janice. Kesse starts to cry, and Janice tells her she should "take another job" if she can't stand the criticism. Baby Phat tells her that she looks like Tyra, which is the reason she's not back on the panel this year.

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America's Next Top Model




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