America's Next Top Model
The Girl Is Here To Win

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The Gospel According To Elyse

House meeting, y'all! Robin holds court in the living room of the No-Fat-otel, explaining in a way that makes no sense that Ebony didn't want to tell the girls about the competition, but that "the competitive person did not come down there. The Christian person came down there." It's light out. Which means, according to the timeframe we're supposed to be understanding here, this conversation is going on before 7:30 in the morning on the day of the Stuff photo shoot. Which, not. Robin screams to Ebony about "demons you have within yourself," as Ebony just yells and yells, to the giggly delight of pretty much everyone else there. Robin starts belting out some Christian song about excellence to drown Ebony out, which is the only thing that gets Elyse to look up from the book she's reading. The big book of devil magic, no doubt. Robin makes everyone get up and hold hands. And close their eyes. And listen as she speaks this prayer: "People are taking the word 'competitiveness' and turning its definition around, Lord. And Lord, I ask that you remove any negative thing that is not like you. That is not of you. And Lord, only one person can win. And the awesome thing about it is that you already know who that is." We all know. It's Adrianne. Why be godlike when you can be actual God? Oddly, Elyse is moved to tears by this, and she tells us in a confessional that it's because she was "uncomfortable with the entire situation." Then leave the room. I can't believe she didn't. ["Between her rage yesterday, her tears today, and her calm tomorrow after a cup of peppermint tea, perhaps Elyse's problem was that she was on the rag? Just a theory." -- Wing Chun] Ebony hates God, too, so she opens her eyes and stares sardonically into one of the cameras during the closed-eyed, silent prayer. I totally knew her feelings just because of what she told us with her eyes! Maybe she is that good.

Katie tells us that it's her dream to be in Stuff, which I find weird not because she isn't totally trashy (she is), but that because this shoot shouldn't even be in this show because of ANTM's high-fashion aspirations. Isn't Stuff, like, the height of commercial? Tyra attempts to smooth over this disjunction with the pre-shoot note that it's not about being sexy, telling the girls, "The body will follow the eyes." Tyra goes first and "energizes" it, according to Barry Hollywood, the fake-named photographer with the fake British accent. And, bikinis. And not full ones, neither. Katie goes next and is all Playboy, Adrianne "moved like a snake," Elyse is "much more androgynous" according to Barry Hollywood, and "silly" according to her. Tyra asks Robin why she needs to cover up all the time, and she starts to cry because she feels all fat, so Tyra has to lie that, on Victoria's Secret shoots, she's "the biggest one there." ["Bigger than the tranny, even? Gosh." -- Wing Chun] Nicole is "gorgeous," according to Joe Hollywood, and Shannon was similarly "great." Giselle was "beautifully present," which might make her ashamed parents invite her back into the house, maybe.

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America's Next Top Model




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