America's Next Top Model
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room

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Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode

Nicole's mother is on the other end of the line, telling Nicole, "He called me and told me he would be home, and now he's not...Cory is unreachable! As usual!" Nicole's mother's non-cooler head does not prevail as she sounds even more unhinged than her daughter, advising, "Stop trying." Nicole mutters, "Right," and puts her head down because diva is to turnip as Nicole is to ______________.

Jay shows up at the penthouse looking even more human, wearing jeans that I'm sure cost my whole wardrobe, and a brown button-down shirt that is open way past its USDA recommended intake of Jay Manuel chest. Did he remember that he was Amish in the middle and have to stop dressing for religious purposes? Button up, junior! Anyway, Jay arrives with four enormous bags of product-placement, telling them, "I went to Revlon today!" But before the girlies are allowed to play with their makeup toys, he has to offer an anti-pep talk, schooling Ebony first, "You know what? If they wanted to shave a strip down the middle of your head...?" Then it would have to be made of epidermis? Y'all, she has NO HAIR. Nicole he rebukes for caring about her own money (well, her mother's money or BMX sponsorship dollars, but we're making fun of Jay now so ssssssssh), telling her, "If there was a huge hair company out there, we're not gonna give that girl a $300,000 campaign if she won't take out her $1,500 weave." So when she gets booted, then, they'll be reinstalling the weave? And, wait. Is it normal to begin with that at least three of these women (Robin, Nicole, Adrianne) have hair weaves? I have known a million ladies (and I've rocked them all), and I don't think I've met one person, ever, who has a hair weave, voluntary or otherwise. And don't you be giving me the "I'm sure you just didn't know" defense, either, because if you know to the minute what time a girl is getting her friendly visitor from the north because she told you how happy she is with the regulating nature of her new birth control, I have the utmost confidence that I might, at least once, have heard the statement, "And my hair is made from recycled brown pellets that were hot-glue-gunned to my head. You like it?" I'm just saying it seems like a pretty high occurrence of such things right here on this show.

To Robin, Jay chides, "You have real issues with your hair...You might as well go home and be Miss Soymilk or whatever." Not amused, Robin looks away and whispers, "Soybean," which Jay jumps on with the ouch-rageous, "Soybean, soy latte, whatever." Oh, snap! He must have been killer at telling that "iceberg, Goldberg" joke that seven-year-olds in Hebrew school so enjoyed back in the day. Email me if you want. But don't worry. It's a really stupid joke.

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America's Next Top Model

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