America's Next Top Model
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room

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Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Makeover! All of the girls go under the shearing prunes, beginning with a pissed-off Nicole, pissed off that she spent $1500 on hair extensions that she had installed fourteen minutes before she left for the show. On a haircut? $1500? They should take the hair off and the scalp with it, because the brain that rationalizes a $1500 haircut needs to be sent to the lab for testing. And said abnormal brain needs to be inserted incorrectly into Frankenstein's monster. As I have learned happens. From watching Mel Brooks movies. Robin looks like she's about to weep Jesus tears, so Jay instructs her not to be so sad, advising, "Models are canvasses. And they're also chameleons." What else are they that they can find in her grandmother's attic? Conifers? Calliopes? Crackers of graham? Nope. It's just another stack of bibles. Boy, it sure is fun visiting Robin's grandmother. In response to Jay's pep talk, Robin notes, "I really don't have a choice," and Jay smiles broadly with one of his finest moments ever, answering, "No. No, you don't." Robin hates him right down to how much she'll hate how pretty he'll look burning in Hell.

Adrianne tells us how nervous everyone else seemed -- except for chill-ass her, of course -- Greek Chorus-ing that Nicole "complained to the point where they wouldn't cut off as much as they would like." And sure enough, Nicole, clips in hair, yammers on about how concerned she is to undergo a radical transformation if she's just going to end up going home anyway. A stray shot of the floor yields very little hair on it, and the Lepine-ites basically just straighten her hair instead of cutting it, and when you just straighten curly hair without cutting it, you look like insane Heather Locklear. If you're Nicole. Giselle sheds a tear as Adrianne voices over, "Giselle cried, Giselle whined, Giselle moaned, Giselle groaned," because if this modeling thing doesn't work out, Adrianne is going to use her crack rhyming skills to make an audio recording of the lost Dr. Seuss classic, Eight Who Never Ate And The Terrible, Horrible, Hair-i-ful Adventure, because her's are the dulcet tones you want lulling your children to sleep while you're driving around town trying to get some damn errands done.

Elyse's hair is done like clockwork. No, no, not like clockwork. More like A Clockwork Orange. She digs her wide eyes and her choppy hairstyle but not the color, but it's pretty dark at the Korova Milkbar anyway and you'll hardly be able to see that it's red until she's outside tap-dancing to "Singin' In The Rain" with Pete, Georgie, and Dim before they go in for a few lashings of the old ultraviolence.

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America's Next Top Model




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