America's Next Top Model

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The Cheese Stands Alone

McKey is next. Her signature is an over the shoulder pose. Tyra advises her to work the curve of the neck, then tells her to make like she just got punched. Suddenly, McKey's signature pose is "boxer." But, like, boxer with a swan-like neck. Tyra tells us that McKey did really well, once she straightened her out. Then we have Sam, whose hands are her signature pose. Hilariously the caption reads, "Signature pose: 'her hands.'" Elina interviews that Sam has a good face, but it's probably not strong enough to keep her in the competition. Tyra advises Sam not to think about the hands too much, other than as an extension of herself. An extension that's attached to her wrists, in fact. In her final shot Sam's hands look like giant lobster claws coming to avenge their people, so long boiled alive in a stock pot.

Lauren Brie's signature is "awkward." This basically means that she turns her feet in a lot. Lauren Brie interviews that it was difficult to come up with a signature pose because there's nothing really unique about her modeling yet. Tyra tells Lauren Brie that she looks bored, and in one shot she looks like an amputee. An amputee about to pleasure herself, I might add. In an interview, Sheena underscores the fact that Lauren Brie is bland. I don't know, "masturbating amputee" seems pretty unique and compelling to me. Before her final ten frames, Tyra tells Lauren Brie that her signature is "surfer dope chick." Tyra says that Lauren Brie's poses were pretty but empty. Tyra wants Lauren Brie to fill it with something. Maybe she could borrow some of what Tyra's full of. In the confessional Lauren cries because she's been pushed into the "personality, or lack thereof" slot. We head to commercials.

When we return, Sheena tells Tyra that her signature pose is diva-ness, minus the hooch. But the hooch shines from within. The girl just can't help it. Tyra gives her boobs a firm pat to prove that she has them too, and that if you hunch your back a bit they look smaller. Stripper music plays while Sheena is posing. Sam tells us that when she thinks of Sheena she thinks of boobs and butt flying around everywhere. If she's walking past you sometimes you have to duck to avoid getting a concussion. Tyra looks at Sheena's film and tells her that her signature is "cultural dance." Sheena apparently is usually thinking about cultural dances, so this is perfect. Do you think "cultural dances" include dances reminiscent of Culture Club, where you just kind of sway back and forth and snap? Will Sheena tumble 4 us? Tyra tells Sheena how to do an African dance because, as we have seen with the "cultural dance" moniker, Tyra knows a lot about culture.

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America's Next Top Model

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