America's Next Top Model

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The Cheese Stands Alone

The girls head off on their bus and wonder what surprising, horrible fate awaits them. They enter a photo studio with all sorts of lovely clothes hanging, and see Tyra Mail. But there's no text. And that's because this is a Tyra Mail special delivery by Miss Tyra herself! And you know, I appreciate Tyra's right to eat ribs and be whatever size she pleases, but that bitch needs to stop with the coochie-grazing skirts. Tyra reads her mail aloud: "Neither rain nor sleet nor my achy, achy feet will keep you from your Tyra Mail this week. It's time you learn your signature style so you'll be a fierce top model [snap] child. I'll show you my tricks, but let's be frank...you'll be thanking Miss Tyra when you're making big bank. Love, Tyra." It's a dramatic reading on par with anything ever attempted by the late Sir Laurence Olivier. Tyra scurries out the door and the girls see another note waiting for them. It says, "Go get dressed and change into your black dresses and heels..." Those ellipses at the end read ominously, don't they? Like what follows is an unspoken, "Tyra's going to slather you in BBQ and make you her next meal."

After the girls change into their identical black dresses they walk on set to see Tyra being shot by Jim de Yonker. She holds a leg up in the air and Sheena says, "So that's how she do it...that's how she gets all them shots." The final product is airbrushed to this side of Mars. Tyra welcomes the girls to her photo shoot, then asks them if they recall Top Model's emphasis on girls having a signature walk. Wait, I thought everyone bitch slapped Camille for the whole signature walk thing? It's the infamous Top Model consistency in advice! In any case, Tyra says that the signature walk is Miss J.'s territory. Her territory, you will be pleased to know, is the signature pose. Tyra tells us that Gisele is famous for looking like she has scoliosis. Not to be outdone, Tyra's signature is, of course, her eyes. Yeah, if Tyra is known for two things it's totally her eyes. The girls today will be doing a twenty-picture shoot. Tyra's going to let them go freestyle for the first ten photos, and then they'll get to look at the monitor and see what they've done. At that point, Tyra will also coach them and send them off to do their last ten frames with all sorts of newfound knowledge. Analeigh tells us that any young model would kill to have twenty frames and a critique with Tyra.

Analeigh is up first. Tyra asks what her signature is, and Analeigh says that it's Ice Castles. She's a skater, and so does a lot with her legs. I thought her signature was not living up to her potential. Even though she said she'd be quiet during the first ten frames, Tyra can't help herself and shouts out that some of Analeigh's poses are too literal. Lauren Brie interviews that she sees Analeigh as an average girl trying to force something. The more I hear Lauren Brie speak, the more I'm convinced that the big ole forehead conceals a whole lot of empty space. Tyra critiques Analeigh by saying that she lost her shoe and had tight lips. It's advice sure to turn Analeigh into the best model ever. Before Analeigh starts her final ten frames, Tyra asks what kind of skater she is. Turns out she's a rebel skater. I love when the girls have to pull out nonsensical shit in response to Tyra's stupid questions. Sadly for Analeigh she's still too literal and Tyra gives her a seven.

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America's Next Top Model

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