America's Next Top Model

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Smile and Pose

The girls will be practicing on the tram, where they will meet a former male model they all know and love. He's the star of a popular television show, and has modeled alongside countless beautiful women including Miss J. The girls get on the tram one at a time, with Miss J. and the mystery model, who happens to be Nigel Barker. We are reminded with pictorial proof that Nigel was once a bushy-headed male model. He's such a useless tool these days that I actually routinely forget how hot he is. Angelea is first to try to break the ice with Nigel. A poor extra hangs out on the train and bears witness to the madness that is to come. Angelea first asks Nigel if he has a girlfriend, and responds with, "Mmm... hmmm. reow!" complete with cat claw hand motion. She then asks if Nigel wants to see her Hammer dance. YES! Oh, if only she were wearing parachute pants rather than skinny jeans. The Hammer dance is pretty awesome, though all Nigel can say is, "Wow." He is momentarily speechless when he tries to tell us about Angelea, before noting that chemistry isn't always about going to extremes. Ultimately, he says, you've got to be you. And, I guess we're to imply, not a Hammerized version of you.

Alexandra stands next to Nigel and opens with, "Don't look now, but there's an insanely hot, tall girl standing next to you. I'm going to say 5'11, hips that don't lie, 36C." Subtext, "Would you like a corndog? Because that's what I'm selling." Nigel points out that Alexandra is a beautiful girl, and so doesn't have to announce it. He's glad when their ride is over, which sucks for her. She realizes that she was a jerk, and feels bad about it. Tatianna is very comfortable talking to Nigel, and tells him that his green sneakers are pretty cool. He points out that he's wearing orange socks as well. She knows that this is British and says, "I don't know how far that's gonna get you here." Nigel calls this the, "I'm going to break you down and... oh, God, I don't have time to build you back up!" routine. He was miserable by the end.

Anslee is next, and has flashbacks to the moment when Nigel called her out on her excuse-making at last week's panel. She asks Nigel to tell her something interesting about himself, and he replies that he likes to go on "adventures," hiking and camping and such. She asks, "Outdoors?" I imagine that all conversations between models are just this riveting. Anslee asks Nigel about his family, and then talks about her daughter some. Nigel tells us that Anslee was being herself, and being honest. This is a good thing. Jessica is next, and is determined to really bust out during this practice. She does this by being an absolute freak. She first tells Nigel that he's cute, and asks his name while maniacally moving her eyebrows up and down. She then feels the side of her body while telling him her name. And then she totally molests him, wrapping her leg around him like he's a human stripper pole. Nigel tells her that she's making him uncomfortable. And that's something coming from a perv like him. Jessica then says that they're going to do a nude shoot or something, and suggests taking their clothes off. "Let's start practicing!" she says. A real surprise that this one was pregnant at 16, eh? Jessica puts her hands all over Nigel's head, and then he actually recoils in fear as she tugs at his jeans! Miss J. can hardly contain himself as we head to commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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