America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj

Episode Report Card
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They're Baaaaaack

Next we have Laura, doing it up fishing hole style in her "country cutie" persona. If there are two things that Laura knows how to be, they are country and cute. Her body looks slammin', too. Alexandria shoots next, as the "tough California girl." I thought her persona was more "narcissistic personality disorder." She growls, which either proves that she's tough or that she's a jerk. Isis tells us that, looking around, she realizes this is a complicated situation, because these girls are hot. But when it comes to hotness, Isis ranks. She takes off her robe to reveal a bikini, which she is rocking. Her persona is "confidence," which is really not a persona. Confidence is to persona as "rain on your wedding day" is to irony. Isis has been doing a lot of motivational speaking since the show aired, and has traveled the country. She's here as living proof that, even when you have to go through a whole bunch of stuff, you should follow your dream. She really looks fly as she tooches her booty skyward.

Sheena is next, with the persona of "Harlem but not hoochie." I don't know, she's kind of hoochie. She does her best Jessica Rabbit impression, to the delight of Jay and the crew. Angelea's persona is "girl from the hood," and she's got the fur vest to prove it. Seriously, she looks like one of the Mob Wives right now. Then there's Lisa D'Amato, whose persona is "wild child." She rubs bubbles all over herself and then does a jumping split, landing in the foamy pool. I think that's disinfectant they have in there.

And then we have Shannon. She confers with the wardrobe folks about her persona, which is "angelic," and instantly asks if she's going to be wearing underwear. The wardrobe person shows her what they have planned, and Shannon says, "I just don't know about this whole business." She says "business" like my mom does, in her signature quote of, "Stop giving me the business." Shannon asks if there's anything they can add to it, because she really doesn't shoot underwear. The only time, in fact, she has done a shoot in underwear was on her season of Top Model, under great duress. That's not how she wants to be portrayed, and she says that she's not going to do something that she's uncomfortable with. The wardrobe lady has a big ole pair of granny bloomers, which she says they will put on over Shannon's bathing suit. Shannon then says that she'll wear a bathing suit -- she just won't wear underwear over it, because she doesn't wear underpants outside. Even though the underwear is five times the size of the bikini bottom. This is the kind of logic that leads me to believe that Shannon is a Tea Party enthusiast.

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America's Next Top Model




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