America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj

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They're Baaaaaack

And then. You guys, I can't even take it. In walks fucking Alexandria "Ugh, Worst" Everett from Cycle 16. Tyra hates us. Alexandria wastes no time in telling us that some of the things she said last season got "misconstrued," and she wants to set that record straight. Can't she do it somewhere else? Though it didn't seem possible, her face has gotten even more bulbous. Angelea is like, "Bitch, please." 716, you speak the truth.

Without further ado, there is Tyra Mail! "Welcome back Top Model All Stars! You know y'all want the best bed... so go get it! Fierce and Love, Tyra." Okay, number one: "fierce and love." I repeat: fierce and love. Number two: I kind of appreciate the clear indicator that, despite their all-star status, these bitches are going to be wading through the same raw sewage as in olden times. Check your dignity at the door, ladies! Brittany and Lisa end up in a room together and jump around with evil glee like Rumpelstiltskin at the merest prospect of all the trouble they're going to get into.

Jay Manuel enters and everyone has family reunion fun times with him for just a minute. He tells the girls that they were chosen because they're fan favorites. AU CONTRAIRE! To wit: Alexandria. She's nobody's favorite! He adds that they're still talked about today. Well, TODAY, when they're on the TV screen. Yesterday, I will tell you concretely that I had no memory of anyone named Shannon. Jay reminds them that this competition is about way more than modeling -- it's about star quality. To begin to ferret out who has it and who doesn't, they're going to have their first photo shoot right now, in their backyard. The photographer for the day is Celeste Canino, who wears a singular pink feather in her hair. For the shoot, the girls will portray outsized versions of their already outsized Top Model personas. Jay tells them to sell it, mogul-style.

They open the back door and discover the world's biggest lanai, but with no cheesecake to enjoy. Instead, there are hair and makeup and lighting people all around the big old pool. A hairstylist comes at Bianca with red clip-in extensions, and she begins what I guess is her second meltdown of the episode so far. Kayla reminds us that Bianca is known for being a giant stank beeyotch, and to wit we flash back to Bianca telling someone that she's borderline plus-size. She chased that remark with, "Check your thighs in the mirror." She's a verbal warrior, people. Do not stick a toe in her arena. As Kayla confirms that the bitch came out as soon as the red extensions were in sight, we head to commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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