America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj

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They're Baaaaaack

Anyway, so that's how we got here. Tyra tells us that she went back through the past cycles and brought back all of our favorites. Two words: Leftover Lady. And what about Shandi? Is she still working at Walgreens? I'm sure Toccara was like, "I was already in Italian Vogue, but thanks." Ah, and Elyse! I'm just saying, there were a lot of possibilities, and instead we got Alexandria. This time, Tyra says, it's not just about modeling. I know you're wondering when it was ever about modeling, but suspend your disbelief here -- she's trying. This time, it's about finding the star power that can build a brand. Because, let's face it, two-thirds of these girls were collecting social security while eating cheesecake on a Miami lanai before Tyra called them back. Bitches are old! I mean, they're all still younger than me, but I'm REALLY old. I'm writing this from my room at Shady Pines. I hope they bring me more applesauce soon, and that I can find my teeth.

Tyra is making everything this season bigger, ostensibly because this is a cycle that people will actually want to watch. She tells us that in today's world, you've got to be more than just a pretty face -- you've got to be a name. And to help establish that name, Tyra has put together a whopping prize package: a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a spread in Vogue Italia, a guest correspondent gig with Extra, and a national campaign for Express. It's true that I haven't been in a mall in a while, but I'm actually shocked that Express still exists. There are going to be lots of celebrity guests, including Latoya Jackson and Kathy Griffin, as well as challenges designed to allow the girls to show the true limits of their talents. It appears that Tyra may drop her second single, the follow up to "Shake Ya Body (Body)," which may be called, "Shake Ya Booty (Tooch)." And of course, bitches will be bitches. What do you think is going to happen when you put Bianca in a house with other humans?

The first all-star that we see entering the all-star abode is none other than Angelea "I cain't go back to Buffalo" Preston from Cycle 14! And also from the Cycle 12 auditions, where she was just the saddest. She tells us that 716 is in the house, so I guess she likes Buffalo again. Angelea wears what looks to be a jumpsuit with a built-in diaper. Lisa is going to be so jealous! Angelea knows that she's an all-star, because people remember her. It is true that her sad despair burned itself into our brains indelibly. Angelea gazes at her portrait that hangs in the house, labeled with the quote, "I'm still ghetto, but I'm classy ghetto." She's ghassy! Angelea really feels the wisdom of her own notable quotable. She wants to be visible to the world, and says that winning this competition will give her that. This whole thing is like a supersized Bucket O'Famewhores, man. Next we see Laura "Deliverance" Kirkpatrick from petite Cycle 13. Laura is the lovable and always drunk-sounding redneck whose couturier is the famous and infamous Grandma Wanda Sue. Laura says that she has an agency now, though the fact that she doesn't say which one leads me to believe that she's been taking a lot of topless photos in some guy's basement apartment. Judging by her speech, Laura's alcohol problem seems to have worsened.

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America's Next Top Model

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