America's Next Top Model
Next Top Model: British Invasion, Part II

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Union Jacked Up
After the photo shoot, it was time for makeovers! Lisa meets the girls and introduces them to the stylist. Nothing really radical seems to happen, except that Tamar is going from blonde to chocolate brown. She says that she is shocked. However, as Lisa points out, none of the girls has a choice in their makeovers, and before they know it, they are totally transformed! Or, in most cases, barely transformed. You know, same thing. Lianna tells us that Sophia didn't like her cut or color, and that she felt like a 50 year old woman whose marriage is failing, thus prompting her to get a makeover. Actually, that's a pretty accurate assessment. As she's crying, Sophia tries to convince Lisa that she really likes the cut and color, but just has to get used to it. For my money, the best makeover is Sam, who goes from boring blonde to an angular red cut. Everyone else seriously looks the same. Or, like, maybe they've had their hair blown out for the prom at the salon where their cousin works. Also, it appears that Jasmia's previously-believed herpe is actually a mole. Is herpe (singular) a word? It sounds kind of weird. Come to think of it, can you have just one herpe? Note that if you email me an answer with some sort of first-hand knowledge about this issue, I'll probably think less of you. Then, it's time for panel. Lisa is wearing a gorgeous dress, and the whole thing makes me wish that Tyra wore normal clothes once in a while. Sam tells the judges that she loves her hair. Her photo is awesome, too. Nina's photo isn't sensual enough and is too aggressive. She looks gross. Lianna also looks bad and bland, with no expression in her eyes. Paula tells Lianna that she had better cheer up, or she's going to get "b.f.h." A big fucking heave-ho? A bum fart heiney? Burned fingers on her hands? Paula thankfully clarifies that she means "bus fare home." Well, that's pretty unexciting considering the alternatives. I should note that Paula is totally the Janice Dickinson figure of the panel, what with her long struggle with drink and drugs, the fact that her biological father was killed with a pick axe handle (!), and the fact that she once turned up an hour late for a shoot in New York covered in oil and grime, and gave the excuse that she had been kidnapped the night before by two men in a limo but couldn't remember anything more. You have to admit that that's pretty bad-ass. It's no falling off of the runway and into Sophia Loren's lap, but it's somewhere on the continuum. Nina and Lianna are in the bottom two, with Nina getting the Big Fucking Heave-Ho, even though Lianna thought she was a goner. Nina tells us that she knows she's better than this, and thinks it's ridiculous that she's out second. She does have really cool hair. But, much like love, sometimes that just ain't enough.

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America's Next Top Model




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