America's Next Top Model
Next Top Model: British Invasion, Part II

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Union Jacked Up
Okay, so some of the novelty has worn off now that we've been through the speed round version of Britain's Next Top Model I. But still... British accents! Girls throwing paint on each other! Etc.!!! A slightly different British voice than we heard previously tells us yet again that, after Tyra Banks revolutionized America with her vision of bringing scantily clad immature bitches to the masses, France, Germany, Russia, and many other countries followed suit. It's like world peace, but skankier. And now, another group of British girls will be competing for the chance of a lifetime. The first time around, a "shy girl" named Lucy was thrust into superstardom. Or whatever happens when you win BNTM. Mild and brief notoriety, maybe? Now it's round two, and for these girls, we are told, the ups will be higher, and the downs will be unbearable. It's manic depression on a reality show scale! I like it. And in the end, one girl will have her dream come true. If her dream involves walking through the street and then realizing that she is in her underwear. In fact, that dream will come true in recurring fashion. Na na na na na na! We are in London! Home of Big Ben, Bobbies, and that freaky inbred royal family we all love so much. We first meet Asha, 20, from York, who says that she's going to be Britain's Next Top Model. Um, I don't think so. Then there's Georgina, 19, who is from wherever pretty people are from. Seriously, she's stunning. Then there's Abigail, 20, from Liverpool. She says that she's a singer, but a lot of people have told her that she should do modeling. Given her rack, I think they probably mean "modeling." But anyway, then there is Sophia, 20, from Hartfordshire, who looks like the love child of Celine Dion and Jewel. It's like squeaking Canadian snaggletooth, you know? Then there's Amber, 19, from Cardiff, who is also really pretty. What is with these girls actually looking kind of like models? It seems so strange and foreign! There's Sarah, 21, from London, and Lianna, 18, from Darby. Lianna looks kind of like Yoanna and says that she thinks modeling is something that she should do before she starts her career with the police force. Of course it is. Catwalking 101 is the first course you have to take in the police academy. "Look fierce while you're swinging your bobby stick!" Then we get Nina, 23, from Cambridge, and a possibly albino Lucy, 24, from Sheffield. She looks a little like Anne Heche. And then let's not forget Yvette, 19, from West Sussex, and Tamar, 23, from Kent. Tamar is kind of scary looking. She says that she's had a burning desire inside her since before she could remember. Maybe that was the croup. There is also Jasmia, 18, who really wants to be Britain's Next Top Model. She feels that she's got a lot to offer, and a little bit of spice. And also, oral herpes. Seriously, what is that on her lip? She adds that there are not a lot of mixed race models out there. And not a lot of models with herpes. Actually, that's probably not true. There is also Sam, 20, who says that she has a Madonna-style gap in her tooth and quite big, buggy eyes. Well, if that isn't enough to recommend her as the world's next great beauty, I don't know what is.

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America's Next Top Model




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