America's Next Top Model

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There is Tyra Mail! "Mind your Ps and Qs. And J. Love Tyra." Everyone is immediately certain that they'll be having runway fun times with Miss J. Natalie tells us that she has a really good runway walk. She was with an agency, and because of her previous experience has an edge over the other girls. What she doesn't have an edge on is brains, if she left her agency to be on this show. She tells us that she's going to win this competition because she's a great model. You would think that her logic would stand up to reason in a modeling competition, yet I think we all know that great modeling only gets you so far with Tyra. Natalie takes her role as mentor very seriously and gives other girls advice on their walks. In turn, Aminat gives her the stink eye. She interviews that Natalie is getting cocky. She may have experience and a great body, but she needs to fill herself out with a piece of humble pie. Natalie is not in the mood for pie now, thanks, even with Cool Whip on top.

The girls head to their teach with Miss J. and Allison tells us that her runway walk is a point of extreme insecurity. She's very nervous to walk for Miss J. She's the season's "thinker," and is going to try to work on being more natural and not overanalyzing into oblivion. Maybe she should just stick to being preoccupied with thoughts of bloody noses. It seems to have worked for her thus far. The girls end up at an old mansion with a grand staircase that is perfect for a fabulous entrance from a tired queen. Indeed, Miss J. saunters down wearing Jackie O. hair and telling the ladies to simmer down. He then welcomes them to Miss J.'s Charm School. I guess this is where we learn how charming it is to tell someone that they're working it like the rent is due tomorrow. Miss J. tells the girls that they all look absolutely dreadful. This, at least, is true. He has them all go change into pearls and chinos and cardigans. When they return, he pours some tea and tells them today's walk is going to be about grace, poise, elegance and "smooth." I mean, it makes 75% more sense than most things he says, so let's just go with it. Celia, being a giant nerd, tells us that Miss J. floats, and it's beautiful. She's blown away. I bet if she had an umbrella a strong gust actually would carry her quite a ways. Fierce.

Celia walks for J. and tells us that a signature walk is important for a model to have, because it can define you. Oh, Camille, what have you wrought!?! Fo looks like a wind-up toy according to Miss J., and needs to slow down and grow some longer legs. Nijah could look more pleasant. Miss J. has to spit out his sugar cube when Kortnie walks. She is a special kind of top-heavy. Sandra's shoulder wiggle-jiggle is not helping her case, and Miss J. mocks her mercilessly. Miss J. cries out, "Posture! Posture!" and flails his pink handkerchief around. He tells us that Tahlia needs to walk with confidence, and she's not quite there yet. London could have more poise and grace, and Teyona gets a rueful, "Oh dear." Then there's Allison. Miss J. tells us that she needs a lot of work, and her walk says, "Help me." Miss J. totally thinks she's a freak, which is really saying something. He puts a book on her head, which has the fortunate effect of making Allison cross her giant eyes. She has to walk in front of everyone with the book, and her overanalytical self is freaking out. Miss J. tells her that she needs all the help that she can get, so best get home and practice until she pulls whatever muscle allows you to teeter on impossible heels. Natalie walks next and has perfect model confidence. Miss J. loves her and loves her body. But not in that way.

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America's Next Top Model

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