America's Next Top Model

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Another Day In Paradise
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on ANTM: A school bus full of bitches! Thirty-five girls were granted admission to Top Model Prep. One of these was Marvita, who totally failed the psych test last year but now has her anger issues under control. Except for those moments when she's about to pop a bitch. Fatima, who was a victim of genital mutilation, wants to use her newfound status as a Top Model contestant as a platform to raise awareness. And the final thirteen became fourteen when Tyra allowed Dominique to stay, because no season would be complete without a shenis.

And then, hey! It's a new opening. Featuring Tyra as a scary extra from Cabaret and the rest of the girls making like they're in the "Justify My Love" video. Fierce.

New York City! Those children of the 1990's out there can join me in the only refrain that can logically come after screaming "New York City!": "Deeeeeeee-Lite! Deee-Lite!" Say what you will, but I still live for World Clique. Marvita, 23 from San Francisco, tells us that she didn't make the cut last season, but it's official: she's back like MRSA. She adds that she was homeless before -- sleeping at friends' houses with nowhere to go. Well, if she was at a friend's house to begin with, it's sort of implicit that she did have somewhere to go, right? But this is splitting unwashed hairs. Suffice it to say that Marvita is very excited to be there. And then there's Kim, 20, from Worcester, Massachusetts. She tells us 1) that she's not a dumb blonde; 2) she feels very special, especially when she thinks of all the girls who would love to be in her spot right now. Oh, grateful model wannabe Kim! I sure hope she doesn't do anything to fuck things up for herself. Fatima, 21, from Boston, tells us that when she came to the U.S. from Somalia, she and her mother lived in a shelter. She's been through a lot of things, and now her whole approach is to be strong. I'll tell you what. I'm really glad that Fatima seems to be turning out to be a bitch, because my comedic hands are otherwise a bit tied with the whole genital-mutilation/shelter-living thing.

The girls head to a restaurant where Amy, 20, from Bartlesville, Oklahoma, reveals that, per Tyra's request, she has changed her name. Okay, first of all, they couldn't just go by "Amy R." and "Aimee Q." or whatever? That's dumb. And second, guess what Amy changed her name to? If you guessed're a dreamer. But you're not the only one. What a missed opportunity. Rather, Amy has changed her name to "Amis." There's something amiss about that name. Lest you think that Amy is a fan of Martin Amis, or of the AMI Semiconductor Corporation, or the Atlanta Ministry with International Students, or James Cameron's babymamma Suzy Amis, she in fact just thought that Amis kind of sounded like "Amy." And, also, it's in the Bible. Or so she says. I Googled "Amis" and "bible" and got bupkis. Maybe she's really a fan of the classic TV show Amis and Andy. Amis asks Marvita why, in fact, she's named Marvita. Because she will cut you. You don't need to know anything else.

A bike messenger delivers Tyra Mail! It's printed on, like, one of those printer-ready invitation papers with the borders that you get at Staples. ANTM: Classing it up in it's tenth anniversary season. The Tyra Mail reads: "Welcome to New York, Ladies! Follow these directions to your new loft and you'll have cause to celebrate! Love, Tyra." For all you locals, Lispenard Street is involved. Not that I'm advocating any shenanigans. The girls arrive and the loft is tricked-out, per usual. Much squealing ensues. As Anya walks down the in-house runway with Amis, she looks at the giant television screen where they are being projected, real-time, and yells, "It's you and I in the future!" As Anya does not exist on the traditional time-space continuum, this statement is somehow bizarrely correct. There are lots of huge pictures of Tyra, and lots of huge pictures of previous top models. Claire explains the sleeping situation. There's one bedroom with a bunch of bunk beds, and one giant bed that a bunch of girls are supposed to sleep on together. If ever there was a season to cast a fetching baby dyke, this is it.

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America's Next Top Model




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