America's Next Top Model

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Hair Apparent

Meanwhile, Molly and Dalya, who were both in the bottom three last week, talk about how shitty it is to be called toward the end at panel. Molly is quite competitive, and so underperforming when she knows she can do better bothers her. Now, she says, they're going to have to work a whole new look. And in her case, the working will be like heavy manual labor. Like coal mining. She's excited to see what the makeovers will be, and tells us she's ready to be surprised. Trust me when I tell you that she is not, in fact, ready.

The next day, the girls head to Prive Salon in Hollywood. The Jays await them and introduce Prive owner Laurent D., stylist to the stars. Immediately after their makeovers, the girls will have a photo shoot with makeup artist turned photographer Troy Jensen. The first celebrity that Troy shot was Tyra, and so he remains part of her stable of acolytes.

The girls are shampooed, and Brittani is first to tell us about her new look. She gets a cut from Laurent directly, and he tells her she's going short, black, and with bangs. He wastes no time in snipping some length off, and does it gleefully. Brittani takes it like a pro. She says she's a plain Jane who blends in with everybody, so trusts the Top Model crew to make her stand out and look like a model. Brittani's makeover is one of those instances where you feel like Tyra Banks really does know what she's doing. And then ten minutes later you see what happens to Molly. In case you forgot, Brittani is from a trailer park. She is happy to be in the competition and not eating Spam every day. Her "Short Dutch Boy" is very Louise Brooks, and is really fabulous. If you saw that in a wig version, you would totally buy it. Brittani feels like a whole new person, in a good way.

Next we check in with Jaclyn, who is quite nervous. Her stylists tell her not to be, and then go at her head with curling irons. Seriously, that's it. Jaclyn's makeover is "Big, Gurly and Curly," which is how she looks already. I don't even think they take scissors to her. Jaclyn tells Miss J. that she expected straight hair, but she's fine with her non-makeover. Miss J., who looks like he's been electrocuted, tells Jaclyn that when she gets out of her chair, she'll find that a razor awaits her. Is this shit getting Sweeney Todd on us? Maybe Tyra keeps her youthful appearance by eating Model Meat Pies. It's the only reasonable explanation for sixteen seasons of this shit. Jaclyn looks shocked, and lies that she's okay with a head shave. But Miss J. was kidding. He actually yells, "Psych!" just like I did all the time in 8th grade. I'm fully on board with bringing "psych" back. As a companion, I think we should reintroduce the concept of "ripping" on people. Jaclyn looks very pretty when she has her photo taken, and Jay loves her confidence. Jaclyn tells us that when you want something and it's your passion, you have to do whatever it takes. Even if that means not having your head shaved.

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America's Next Top Model

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