America's Next Top Model

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aking problems." As foreshadowing wears a five-inch stiletto, we head to commercials.

When we return, the Blue Team heads to their go-see. They meet President and CEO Melissa Payner along with Creative Director Camila Hori. Melissa reminds the girls that they're each going to get a $500 gift certificate, and that one particularly awesome model will get a $2,500 gift certificate and be featured in Bluefly's spring campaign. The girls are dressed in Bluefy wears, and Raina is first to meet with Melissa and Camila. She walks, and Melissa tells us, "For us, spring is about really short shorts and short skirts. Your legs are really important." Is she saying that Raina is a little thick in the thighs? Hmm. Melissa's comment that she was most impressed by Raina's face goes to prove that theorem, I think. Jessica is next, and Melissa says that the issue with her is that she's very, very thin. You just can't win with these bitches. They should just stick to the headless white mannequins they love so well. Camila goes on to add that Jessica might not be striking enough.

Meanwhile, the Red Team learns that, as the losing team, they're going to have to endure some sort of horrible punishment. They walk into what is known as "the cage," which is basically the place where inventory is kept. Bluefly copywriters Jacqueline Wahba and Urbi Medley tell the girls that they will be helping to weigh, unpack, and measure all of the inventory. One summer I actually worked for a company that did inventory, and I must admit that it kind of sucked. Though in this case I think there might be more integrity in the model grunt work than in producing such copy as, "Strut your stuff poolside or just lounge by the ocean in your smoking hot bikinis from ABS!" and "Be in the good graces of style by donning chic apparel from BCBGeneration." Anslee still holds a grudge against Brenda for missing her question, even though four other people lost out on their questions as well. It took a while to shine through, but Anslee is actually super stank.

Speaking of stank, Angelea walks for Camila and Melissa. They think she has a great personality and an interesting, striking face. It all falls apart, however, when they ask her to pose and sell what she's wearing. After she leaves they totally mock her poses and Melissa just goes, "No." Alexandra is described as "A very pretty girl. She has a beautiful, beautiful face. For a beauty editorial, she'll be just perfect." I think they totally just called her fat, too. Back in inventory land there's Ren, who looks and feels like she's been through a fire, after being in the house for only three weeks. She even misses her mom, whom she never misses. Because, as we heard earlier, her mom sucks. Ren wonders if her sanity and happiness is worth all of this. I kind of doubt that she's all that sane and happy in regular life, actually.

Back at Bluefly, Simone tells us that she's always been an overachiever at school, but would choose modeling over a strictly academic career. So would I, because it's way easier and you can make a lot more money. Smarts are for suckers. Try being born beautiful in your next life. Simone walks for Melissa and Camila, and they love her. Melissa says that she has a sparkle in her eye and a beautiful face. Camila thinks that Simone is "maybe a little bit too, you know, athletic on the shoulders." Yeah, God, muscle tone is so gross. Simone's awesome legs get props, though. Krista is also impressive, and Melissa says that she understands her body and knows how to move. She and Camila think that Krista has a lot to offer, and that her passion for modeling comes through.

The Blue Team members gather to learn who has won the challenge. It's Simone! Jessica interviews that Simone is very peageant-y, so her win was a big shock. Shut up, toothpick. Simone thinks that she has potential in the industry, and just needs to take things a bit further. I personally love Simone, both because she's pretty and because she reminds me of Season 3's Kelle of the snout revelations.

Back in the house, Brenda announces that everyone in her room is going to bed in 30 minutes. Krista asks if she thinks she's the mother of the house. And then, hilariously, Krista interviews, "I was like, listen here, Geppetto." Because Brenda wants to be the puppet master. I don't know if that even makes a ton of sense, but "Geppetto"is my new favorite insult. As Brenda prepares to get some shut-eye, Alexandra cracks that she looks like Miranda from Sex and the City. They all act like this is a huge insult, which pains me on behalf of Cynthia Nixon. Angelea then says that Brenda looks like Chucky. Which, I guess I can see the resemblances of which they speak. I might add the Heat Miser as well.

Ren is in the room whilst all this is happening, and is appalled that they're being directly negative about Brenda's looks. And so what does drama-eschewing Ren do? She does what any pacifist who hates to stir up shit would do -- go directly to Brenda and tell her that the others are saying that she looks like Chucky Miranda. Brenda, who is having a hard enough time with the haircut business as it is, says that her feelings are hurt. Since Tyra chose this haircut, she thinks that it's like they're laughing in Tyra's face. Well...not exactly. But whatever you have to do to get through it, honey.

Brenda goes to the kitchen to complain to others that Alexandra, Angelea and Krista called her "ugly" because of her haircut. Strictly that's not true, though the implication was certainly there. Brenda says that Angelea thus needs to tell Tyra, "Fuck you, you made Brenda ugly." I would give Angelea $20 to make that happen, which she actually might accept. Anslee says that, as a fellow mom, she has some compassion for Brenda, but that generally Brenda is a bit of a head case. As Brenda repeats that the others called her ugly, Anslee says, "I don't think that she said you were ugly." Brenda insists that she was called ugly, and replies with, "Were you in the room?" And then Anslee freaks the fuck out. She says that she was just trying to make a comment, and that any time anyone says something to Brenda she comes back with an attitude. Anslee insists on the right to her opinion, and isn't going to take Brenda's crap. Ren stands there looking like she's having flashbacks of her parents fighting. Brenda tells us that she's not the bad guy in this situation, and that you can't trust anyone in the house. Brenda then talks about Anslee in the third person when Anslee's standing right there, which Anslee doesn't take kindly to. As the stank among white girls winds down, we head to commercials.

When we return, Anslee "apologizes" if she woke anyone else up that night, but is clear that she's not going to let anyone talk to her in a stank tone of voice. Ren applies her makeup and quietly says, "I've gotta get out of this house. I don't care how." I mean, I feel her, and yet somehow have nary a drop of sympathy.

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America's Next Top Model




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