America's Next Top Model
Kris Jenner

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Enter the Haggis
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: US versus UK! It all started with a Universal City Walk showdown that involved some SERIOUS over the shoulder jacket tossing (DRAMA!), and ended with the showdown we never dreamed of nor wanted: John Lennon versus Pocahontas. Brit model Jasmia became the first casualty of The Revolutionary Bore: 2012. Thirteen transatlantic bitches remain!

The ladies return to their house to find Seymone's best-of-week photo digitally displayed. In celebration of her victory, and in turn the victory of her country, she gets a big silver box for the US contestants. Inside are ugly clothes. Who's the real winner here, one wonders? Eboni tells us that the US girls showed the UK girls that although the Brits might have more modeling experience, the Americans are ready to send them home on an eleven hour flight. That was the most labored smack talk I've ever seen. The Americans clearly have some work to do.

Meanwhile, the Brits regroup and Sophie expresses her strong opinion that they did way better in the last photo shoot. Sophie was in the fifth cycle of BNTM and came in second. Her American equivalent, then, is Nik Pace, who had that random secret butch girlfriend that she'd talk to on the phone. What was her name? I feel like it was literally something like "Stud," though that's probably not true. That was back when there was a one lesbian per cycle rule, and Kim Stolz locked that shit up. Do you think that the Brits had an equivalent to "Granola Gate"? Oh, the times we had! Anyway, Sophie. She really wants to break into the American market. Annaliese tells us that America's Next Top Model is like the holy land or Mecca... of the Top Model franchises. That didn't end quite as climactically as it began. In any case, the Brits refuse to roll over and lose all the time.

The Americans are concurrently in their room cooing over their ugly new clothes. Mariah reminds us that she's a proud, strong Native American woman, and that her people were done wrong by some long-ago Brits. Mariah says that if drama is brought to her and needs to be dealt with, she'll deal with it. Even though the smooshing together of those statements makes it seem like she's talking about genocide, I think she is referring to drama of the "Clean your shit or I'll write in your low-carb brownies" variety. Or at least I hope so.

And then there is Tyra Mail! It's a video hosted by Victoria Recano of ANTM TV. She has a newsflash! This just in: Tyra Banks's cell phone has been hacked! Confidential emails are flooding the web! Just when you think we might get some naughty half-naked photos of Tyra with dirty talk making rampant use of the phrase "booty tooch," Victoria reveals that the juiciest email has to do with the Cycle 19 makeovers. Escandalo! The girls jump up and down like they have been electrocuted. If only! Tyra is taking her inspiration straight from Europe, where funky cuts and colors are ruling the runway. The girls glimpse an email with words such as "cotton candy pink" and "half shaved head," and try to figure out who is getting what. Louise looks not particularly thrilled about this development, in keeping with her custom of not looking particularly thrilled about anything. Mariah is nervous, as she's always had long hair and her entire family has braids. If her hair is cut short, she says, it's like cutting her culture. The Party City Pocohontas costume, in contrast, was totally cool. In a bit that is particularly devoid of charm, Alisha pretends not to know what a Native American is, and then we cut to credits.

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America's Next Top Model




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