America's Next Top Model
Jez Smith

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Messes in a Bottle
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: Eboni was eliminated by Tyra, and Alisha subsequently chose to eliminate herself. It was the saddest of times. Glumatronica! Now three bitches remain! Laura is the only American, facing off against Brits Sophie and Annaliese. And if anyone thinks Annaliese actually stands a chance of making it to the final two, you clearly haven't been watching this show at all.

We catch up with the final three at home, where they have landed after the double elimination trauma. Annaliese tells us that she knew if Eboni and Alisha landed in the bottom together, things were going to get dramatic. We flash back to sepia-toned Alisha bawling and declaring that she was walking away from the competition to get her spirit back, and Tyra being clearly unable to muster up two shits. If anyone gives less of a fuck about America's Next Top Model than the rest of the world, it is Miss Tyra Banks. Sophie says that in a weird way she's proud of Alisha, but at the same time all she had to do was hang on for two more episodes and she could have been America's Next Top Model. A self-proclaimed fighter who's been trying to model since she was eleven, Sophie tells us that walking away has never been an option for her. She also reminds us that she once had to work as a waitress. Oh, the struggle! The hardship! It's very inspiring. Annaliese tells us that she's a total underdog who nobody expects to win. Including me, as per the paragraph above. However, Alisha knows that she's a good model who makes up for her deficiencies in height and age through her personality. It is a true fact that a good personality adds three inches to your height and subtracts three years from your age.

Laura is, of course, the last remaining American, and is proud that she not only outlasted all of her countrywomen but the bulk of the Brits as well. She reminds us that she had to grow up fast, what with the unstable parents and the lack of friends and all that stuff. But her ability to make it as one of the final three is, she says, an example of the American Dream. I actually do think that the new American Dream is to appear completely oversexed on a failing reality show, so Laura should be a model (pun intended!) to us all.

There is Tyra Mail! "Get up and go for it in the pearl of the east. Fierce and love, Tyra." The girls quickly figure out that a go-see challenge is in their imminent future, and Laura just shakes her head. This is the third go-see challenge of the season, and Laura is sick of it. Annaliese explains that Laura has a complex about her walk. This is because her walk sucks. Annaliese doesn't say that, but it's evident by WATCHING LAURA'S WALK. Where is Miss J. to hurl insults at her? As Annaliese tells us that Laura needs to get over said walking complex or risk going home, we head to the opening credits! Aren't you sad you're only going to have to see this seizure-inducing mess two more times?

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America's Next Top Model

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