America's Next Top Model
J. Alexander

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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Last week: Louise freaked the fuck out on the runway and stormed off, and Kelly Cutrone put another notch on her box of Neither Nice Nor Easy "Black as Your Soul" hair dye. No one else was eliminated, and now the Americans have six bitches remaining while the Brits have only five.

This week, we start by focusing on the girls in the post-elimination holding room. Alisha is still shaken, and says she's disappointed in Louise because she was something of a role model. A cranky, pissy, finger-sucking role model, but a role model nonetheless. Sophie tells us that the Brits are having a hard time of it generally. They're down another person, they haven't gotten best picture once, and they haven't been working as a cohesive team a la the Americans. However, Sophie suspects that the Americans are starting to turn on each other a bit, proving that if you wait around long enough, it's bound to happen.

Then out of nowhere Eboni gets really pissed and says that she knows her photos were better, she had a better attitude, and also didn't complain after the shoot. But... she's totally complaining now. What's her point, here? Eboni explains that Tyra wants her to be something that she's not, namely a competent model. Also, Tyra deemed her "30-Never," which implies girlish freshness, and then the judges told her she looked like a prostitute in her photo, which she did. A prostitute under the bridge, even. Eboni says that the judges want to portray her as a baby, but she doesn't know what it's like to act like a kid. She didn't grow up with her mom, and her single-parent dad couldn't pay the mortgage on their house so they lost it. She's 18, but she's been through a lot of shit, and clearly can't fake her way as a happy-go-lucky teen. Eboni yells at the other girls that she's a fucking adult, and is grown as fuck, and she's sick of hearing Kyle complain that she didn't look punk enough. Kyle has a distinctly WTF reaction, which seems appropriate in this situation. What's Kyle got to do, got to do with it, you may ask? She thinks that Eboni is mad because Kyle has been called before her at every single panel, likely because Kyle doesn't completely suck at being a model. As she tells us that Eboni can be as mad as she wants and she doesn't give a fuck, we head to the credits. So many f-bombs in that three minute opening!

When the models return home, there's a big box of tacky presents for the Americans in honor of Azmarie's best-of-week photo. Even the Brits hug Azmarie for her victory, mostly because they want to get with her. Even the houseplants are stretching their fronds closer and closer to her impressive biceps. Candace, meanwhile, is not having the best time of it. She was in the bottom four last week, and was only spared by Louise's freak out. Candace knows she's lucky, because her photo shoot was a hot mess. She reminds us that she tried out for this show eight times, which is either a mark of persistence or mental illness, or persistent mental illness. She feels like something good is going to happen for her, which proves that she is a bad psychic as well as a bad model.

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America's Next Top Model




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