America's Next Top Model

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If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere

The girls wipe off their makeup and get dressed in some gauzy gowns. Jay introduces them to photographer Mike Rosenthal, who is an ANTM veteran. He tells the girls that their photos should capture some movement and shapes, and not involve them looking like dead fish. Lauren stares at him, dead fish-eyed. This does not bode well for her. Claire is very excited for this shoot and wants to make a good impression. As Jay gives her direction, she says she's going to slide into the watery plastic pane. Jay tells her she doesn't have to. But she does, and her head bounces like a cat toy off of the Mylar. Jay asks if she's all right, and Claire requests for a minute to collect herself and sort of rubs her neck. With this threat of lifelong paralysis, we head to commercials.

And it's Saleisha's My Life as a Cover Girl! You can tell by the tone of her voice that she's hating her life. Which, good. I've never heard someone say, "It's so much fun," so funlessly.

When we return, Claire still may have a broken neck. Her ears are ringing, she's seeing stars, and she needs to take a little break. So Dominique goes instead. Jay tells her he'd prefer if she doesn't slam her head down on the thing, and Dominqiue is all, "As if I'd be that stupid." Dominique poses, and Jay says that she looks like a ballerina in the water. A fetus ballerina. She rocks Jay's world. He hearts fetuses. And then it turns out that Claire is okay, so she goes next. Jay tells her to just ease down into the water, but she slides. This time it's a real slide, though, and not a face plant. But still. Fatima tells us that Claire has a way of trying to impress people that is a little too much sometimes. Sadly for her, she's not so impressive in her photo shoot. She forgets all about her body and is very stilted.

Lauren is next, and tells herself to be cool. Jay tells her to angle her face rather than put it straight down. Lauren is having a hard time. Her contacts have come out and she's blowing tons of bubbles out of her nose. It's stimulation overload. Jay tells us that this is the first day that Lauren has actually looked awkward in front of the camera. Anya is next, and is working the body. Jay tells her to point her toes to look more graceful. Like a graceful, pointy-toed fetus. Seriously, these photos are all going to look like ultrasounds.

Oh! And then Katarzyna gets her haircut. She cries. She's had her hair long all of her life. At the end, though, she hugs Christian. She says that she embraces change, so after her initial period of upset, she's feeling happy. Jay tells us that she turned into a graceful goddess the more they talked her through her shoot. A graceful goddess fetus. When it comes down to it, even the most glamorous of us are really just sperm and egg, I guess. Whitney is next, and is worried that she's going to break the plastic. She actually looks like a fetal octopus. She smiles maniacally with open eyes in the water. Jay loves it, and tells her it was incredible. Stacy-Ann suffers with dead legs. They get one good shot. Then there's Fatima. If Jay is to believed, her shoot was gorgeous. And that's a wrap!

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America's Next Top Model




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