America's Next Top Model

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What It Do, Shorty?

Next, Tyra and the Jays meet Lisa, 19 from Queens. She has perfectly threaded eyebrows. Oh, wait! It's the crazy losers montage! To accentuate their stupidity, Tyra makes them do stupid things! Riveting. Next there's Ashley, 22, from Chicago. She was scouted in the audience of The Tyra Banks Show. It was Tyra's hairdresser, Oscar, who spotted Ashley. Tyra took a quick glance at her and instructed someone to get her information. This is just a way for Tyra to get more desperate girls to come to her talk show, isn't it? Ashley, like every other girl, is pretty stoked that this year is all about the shorties, since otherwise none of them would stand a chance in the modeling industry.

Then there's Bloody Eyeball. Tyra says that B.E. looks chill, but B.E. responds that she has really bad nerves. Miss J. theorizes that she took five downers before walking down the stairs to see them, which I think is probably accurate. Bloody Eyeball interviews that her last year in high school was miserable and she sat by herself all the time. She has felt very different since a very early age, most likely because she was born with the Curse of the Bloody Eyeball. B.E. has problems sleeping, and she also paints. [If the modeling thing doesn't work out for her, the painting might, because I thought her stuff was pretty good. - Zach] She does self-portraits because nobody else is willing to sit for her. And why is nobody else willing to sit for her? Maybe it's because she brings a large rusty wheelbarrow to school instead of a backpack. For some unknown reason, people think she's weird. However, it's undeniable that she has a gorgeous face and some pretty stunning pre-Raphaelite hair. Bloody Eyeball fears that she's ruined her only opportunity to become a model with her medicated manner. The other girls tell her that she's beautiful, but Crazyface Amber gives her a bit of strategy advice, saying that if she doesn't start talking she's going to be cut. With the blind leading the bloody-eyeballed, we head to commercials.

Next up we meet sweet-as-pecan-pie (which, as I'm allergic to tree nuts, would actually kill me) Laura, 19 from Kentucky. She uses paper towels to curl her hair. I believe this is akin to something called "rag curls" that, like, my great grandma did in the 1800s. Laura tells Tyra and the Jays that she may be country, but she's also high-fashion. Tyra challenges her to make her outfit high-fashion, which doesn't go so well. To her credit, though, she asks for help and yells out, "I'm here for y'all to mold!" Laura grew up on a farm with cows, which should prepare her well for living in the house should she make it that far. And lest you thought that Kara could lay claim to being the sole animal castrator in the house, Laura castrates cows! What are the odds? She says she can do 100 a day. Laura explains how the procedure works: "You squeeze the nuts, and you push them up in their belly, you cut the sac off, you pull 'em down, you wrap 'em around your finger, and you pull it. And they just break off." They just BREAK OFF? Really? Who knew that cow balls were so...crispy? Laura says that it doesn't really hurt the cow, and has the additional benefit of keeping her boyfriends faithful out of fear. For the moment, I actually find Laura to be quite delightful, though this could change.

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America's Next Top Model

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