America's Next Top Model

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What It Do, Shorty?

Next up is Erin, 18 from Spring Grove, Illinois. Erin says that she's intelligence-based, as evidenced by not wanting to put on lip gloss or go shopping all the time. Frankly, when I see people with chapped lips and ill-fitting clothes I lament the fact that they're not intelligent enough to put on lip gloss and go shopping. Fail. Erin likes to read and learn and apply herself in school. Tyra silently debates whether to ask Erin to summarize the plot of The Iliad, but remains silent.

Next we have Kara, 18 from Fort Wayne, Indiana. She comes from an upper middle class family and never had to struggle for money. She is a free spirit who goes wherever the wind takes her on the wings of her ruffly tank top. Kara flew back from Costa Rica for the Top Model audition. She also once lived in Fiji, where she lived on an organic sheep farm and had to castrate sheep. Don't put that girl in the same room with the Jays and a pair of scissors. Kara thinks that it's a brilliant idea to show America that short models can be successful, and can de-testicalize a farm animal if needed.

Then there's Lulu, 19 from Brooklyn, who proudly announces, "I'm gay!" Miss J. gives her a round of applause. Lulu is totally out and has been dating the same woman for two years. The woman's name is Roslyn. We know this because Lulu has Roslyn's name tattooed above her left breast. Tyra tries to impart some retroactive wisdom, but the ink is already there, so it does little good. Lulu says that she can change the tattoo to say "Brooklyn" if need be. It's not quite as good as Johnny Depp's "Wino Forever," but it could be worse.

Several girls sit around and chat about the craziest thing they've ever done. Crazyface Amber says that once she made out with a girl. Lulu is all, "Wow, that's really nuts." Kara asks Amber what the Bible says about that. We don't see the response but I'm sure Amber quotes Katy Perry. Nicole, meanwhile, sulks silently and interviews that she can't connect with any of these idiots, which is fair. But let's not lay blame until we hear Nicole talk about her lucky necklace. It's an eyeball, which she likes because she was born with a bloody eyeball. Maybe Nicole is where Lady Gaga is getting her inspiration these days? It would make as much sense as anything else. Nicole's nickname when she was a child was "Bloody Eyeball." Her family was apparently very literal. Bianca gives a really priceless WTF look. Bloody Eyeball interviews that she wants to model and skip the socializing. Probably for the best, eh?

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America's Next Top Model

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