America's Next Top Model

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What It Do, Shorty?

The girls take a gander down the runway, where Miss J. tells them that they need to walk at least 6 feet tall. Eight-inch heels for everyone! Courtney actually did herself a favor by having a preexisting broken foot. Meanwhile, Mr. Jay takes the Polaroids. Rae, 21 from Rochester, Minnesota, tells us that she's a mother. She's doing this for herself and for her child, who is one of those jerky babies who wears sunglasses in photos. Jay mocks Alison, 21 from Santa Rosa, California, for her pageant walking ways. Alison explains that she's actually a modeling teacher, which bodes poorly for those who go to modeling school. Brittany, 21 from Livermore, California, is a book nerd and a math major. Math apparently ages you, because this bitch doesn't look a day under 42. The aforementioned crazyface Amber doesn't let us down, interviewing tearfully that she's for Jesus Christ, who wants her to help the world. And she'll do whatever He wants her to do. What He will not, I'm guessing, want her to do, is pass the psych test that is her gateway to being a finalist. Miss Jay tells Ciara, 18 from Riverside, California, that she looks like a car model and a calendar girl. Ciara doesn't understand. Basically, Ciara, you give off an aura like you would rather be washing a car with your boobs. Is that clear enough? Courtney crutches down the runway, her grit and determination in tow.

Once the runway portion of the day is over, the girls hang out and chat about what pioneers they are. The wisdom dispensed includes the notable quotable, "Real people are, like, short." Sundai tells the others that they can inspire short people to wear clothes. If she doesn't complete her life by winning this show, I'm guessing the Nobel Prize she's gunning for might provide the missing piece. Sundai tells us that this competition is more important to her than living, and that there's a big empty space inside her that needs to be filled. If you thought it was too early in the season to get depressed, you're wrong. One girl exclaims, "We're a part of history!" And with that, we go to commercials.

We return to a pretty stellar Crazyface Amber moment. The girls sit around and talk about who among them is a virgin. A few admit to having fiercely intact hymens. One girl asks who has taken a vow of celibacy. Crazyface Amber, who is wearing a very large hat (because that much crazy on the face needs a fair quantity of shade) raises her hand, and someone else asks if she's a virgin. Amber says, "Ummm..." Yeah. Amber says that she hasn't had sex for two years, and adds, "You know you're supposed to have that burning sensation for your lord Jesus instead of another man." If you're having a burning sensation at all, you should probably actually see your doctor. Bianca becomes a clear favorite as she looks at Amber and deadpans, "I know you want attention. There's nothing wrong with that."

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America's Next Top Model

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