America's Next Top Model

Episode Report Card
Potes: A- | 1 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
What It Do, Shorty?

Tyra wears a sequined Liza Minnelli jacket to deliver the final 14 results to the girls who, in case you forgot, are very tiny pioneers. The first girl to be called is Jennifer. Next is Erin, followed by Bambi Eyes Rachel, hippie dippy sheep castrating Kara, Roslyn-loving Lulu, Mama Rae, audience member Ashley, math wiz Brittany, bald Bianca, crutch-loving Courtney, Bloody Eyeball herself (who takes, like, a year and a day to walk over with the other finalists and looks like she's shocked herself into a coma), Crazyface Amber (who thanks Jesus Christ), and Kentucky Laura (who has been bawling this whole time). There is only one spot left. And duh, it's going to Sundai. Mama Warbanks wasn't going to let her down until she exploited her fully.

The six girls who didn't make it are pretty sad, because they know that they stand even less of a chance than the girls on the regular seasons at becoming actual models. Tyra tells them to persevere, and that they can do commercials or face work. Or, in the case of Amanda, go back to the trailer and continue to be poor. Ciara gives Tyra some props through hyperventilating tears.

But meanwhile, who cares about losers? There are 14 pioneer finalists to concern ourselves with! Tyra tells them that they're going to have to be better than the tall girls, and then much celebration and whooping ensues! Courtney assures us that, since Tyra is taking a big gamble on these small fries, they're not going to let her down. Let's hope that they bring the drama and histrionics so as to not let us down as well!

With that, it is time for hour two of our premiere extravaganza. We begin with the girls trolling around LA. Jennifer is proud of herself, and Laura tells us that while living on a farm is pretty cool, it's not what she wants to do for the rest of her life. Considering that her pillow is likely stuffed with cow testicles instead of feathers, I back her up 100%. Bloody Eyeball Nicole, who really is gorgeous, tells us that she's quiet, so people believe that she has low self-confidence. However, she says, she's actually the strongest girl here. She apparently kicked the prescription meds, because she seems a lot more alert and lucid. Bianca, unlike any other contestant in reality TV history, is not here to make friends. Hmmm. She had me, and then she lost me. She says she wants to be an icon, because that's her fate. And you know what the thing about icons is? They don't care if you think they're bitches. And neither does Bianca. My, but did she get stank fast! A tribute to her namesake, perhaps?

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America's Next Top Model

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