America's Next Top Model

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Kicking the Hobbit

Jessica tries to practice in the mirror, but says that she doesn't know what the judges are looking for. She's worried that she's not fierce enough. On this show, that's tragic. This shoot is important for Jessica, since she was in the bottom two last week, and her confidence is low since she's been constantly told that she's not editorial enough. As Jessica tries in vain to reclaim her inner fierceness, we head to commercials.

When we return, there is lots of clay and mud in the hair. Raina says that the clay's really cool, because it makes it harder and difficult to do stuff, which makes her want to work even harder. God, I bet she always did the extra credit assignment. Alexandra is up first, and lays on a log while some photo assistants hold various tablecloths and other things into the light to find the appropriate shadow. The lace tablecloth wins. Tyra, having modeled before, understands how the sun must be killing Alex's eyes, so gives her a minute to close them. When she opens her eyes again, Tyra says, she should think about a dangerous secret that she doesn't want anybody to know. Maybe she got in front of that pendulum on purpose, because she's secretly a masochist with a fetish for mechanical objects? I wouldn't want anybody to know that either. Tyra wants Alex to look like she wants to tell, because she has some trust, but isn't sure. Alex looks confused, which is actually similar. It works. Tyra tells us that she liked shooting Alexandra, and Mr. Jay adds that she was a trooper because her nose was running and she managed to sniffle and push through nonetheless. That is called my life in allergy season. When someone gets props for working through the sniffles, you know this show is lowering its already miniscule standard.

Jessica watches Alex, misses her family, and thinks about how she probably won't do well. That's the attitude. And holy crap, is Tyra wearing a jumpsuit to photograph this shoot? Does this woman have a catheter? Tyra can't believe that Jessica has a baby, and Jessica says that she misses him. Her stupid kid is one year old and won't even talk to her on the phone. I guess that's her secret, and she already told it. Things can only go downhill. The assistants hold, like, a wicker chair in Jessica's light, and Tyra tells her that she's too commercial. She needs edge, and to not be the pretty girl. Tyra wonders what other secrets Jessica has. She wants her to lay down in the grass and get angry and weird. Raina points out that Jessica is falling backwards in the competition. I think it's true -- she seemed to have an arsenal of edgy poses a few episodes ago. Tyra taunts Jessica by saying that she doesn't know how to be ugly. Tyra then yells, "Inhale the secret!" What the fuck is she even talking about anymore? I think all the jumpsuits are cutting off her circulation. Upon Jessica's sexyface, Tyra says that's how she made that baby. Apparently she was wondering how a virgin could make a baby. Has she heard of Christmas? Jessica is pleased and relieved by her performance at the end of the shoot.

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America's Next Top Model

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