America's Next Top Model

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Kicking the Hobbit

Tyra Mail! "If u want 2 be a true top model, u might have 2 shadow 1. Luv, Tyra." Someone wonders if they'll meet top models from the past. Well, they already have and her name is Tyra. Krista doesn't believe that theory, and out of nowhere calls Raina lame. Jessica tells us that this has been a crazy week for her. She's been in the bottom two, and is also really missing her son and her husband. She wishes she could go home for a day and come straight back, but knows that if you go home, it's for good. She's not giving up yet.

Out on the deck, Krista and Alex talk about how annoying Raina is. As if to prove their point, Raina leans over the upper deck and shouts, "Morning, glories!" Raina's problem is that she's a huge dork. She says, "Oh, Mylanta! This place is so inspirational." Krista does an imitation of Raina, saying, "Oh, Mylanta! Everything is bubbles and cakes!" Life is not like that, Krista says, and Raina needs to toughen up. Meanwhile, Urban Dictionary tells me that "Oh Mylanta!" is a phrase coined by DJ Tanner on Full House. I mean, she couldn't have at least gone with "How rude?" I understand why they want to hit her, kind of.

The girls head out to their photo shoot, which is in yet another gorgeous New Zealand locale. Jay Manuel greets them, and tells them that they're in one of the spectacular wine vineyards. He says that vines are planted so that the sun hits the grapes at an angle that leads to maximum ripening. When the girls step on set every week, Jay tells them to find the light. Today they'll be doing that but, like a grape on the vine, they'll have to do that amongst a whole bunch of shadows. Because, says a sinister voice, you never know what lurks in the shadows. Specifically, Tyra lurks in the shadows. She's going to be the photographer for the day. Raina says, "Oh Mylanta! Tyra's going to be our photographer! Oh my gosh holy crap!" I think that's as edgy as Raina gets, right there.

Tyra is very excited to shoot the girls today. She says she's been wanting to do a shadow shot with her Top Model girls for a long time, and the Cycle 14 nerds get to be her lucky specimens. I'm sure she's also planning to harvest their organs or something in a lab disguised as a makeup trailer. The shadow shoot is a bit like standing in the shadow of a Venetian blind, which makes lines on your body, but with different types of shadows. Jay tells them to bring face and energy, and they go to hair and makeup. Vincent Oquendo is the makeup artist, and Tyra instructs a nervous-looking Joanna Konjevod, wardrobe stylist, in the types of flat gowns she wants. Tyra tells Raina that her hair will be down, because they're going to put mud in it. Basically, everyone's going to get some sort of clay or mud in their tresses, which makes hair stylist Ryan Taniguchi's job a whole lot easier. Angelea tells us that Tyra is as cool as hell, and though it's nice when Tyra plays with her hair, it also makes her nervous. Tyra leaves the hair and makeup room saying, "Shadows! Secrets! What are you hiding?" Disdain, barely?

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America's Next Top Model




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