America's Next Top Model
Highlights and Catfights

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Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
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at the fact that she is in fact their wizened elder. How does Kasia keep her skin so perfect? I actually think it's the extra fat. Seriously, people, it plumps out the wrinkles. Also, she's not actually 56. But ANTM Productions is going to present Skin Care with Kasia so we can learn her secrets. Kasia tells us that she drinks tons of water all the time, she exfoliates a few nights a week and then applies a serum or something a bit more potent. Then she uses eye cream and sometimes Vitamin E oil. You know, different things. Alexandria points out that if she used "different things" her skin would break out constantly. She hates Kasia for her good genes, which is really what it all comes down to.

The models had a Cover Girl shoot challenge, in which they teamed up to present the latest and greatest crap that Cover Girl has to offer. Each girl was assigned a specific role of writer, director, or talent. Almost everyone worked well together. And then there was Alexandria. She bugged the shit of teammates Monique and Molly, the latter of whom was already on edge due to her whack weave. What we didn't see was the "directors" getting together back home to talk shit about their teams. Monique, of course, complains about Alexandria acting snotty. Hannah complains about stiff Dalya, who started vomiting from the mouth as soon as the camera was turned on. She thinks that she or Jaclyn could have done better.

And then, and I quote, "Alexandria has, uh, not been the most popular girl in the house. But that did not stop her from busting a rhyme to keep her spirits high." Yes, everyone, Alexandria is about to bust a rhyme in the confessional. It goes a little something like this: "I'm not a chump, I'm a champ and I'm in it to win it / I've got natural born swagger, best never forget it / And if you need me to show you well I guess I could / It'd be as easy as another [pregnant pause] doing the hood." Wait, what was that pause about? I don't think I want to know. To prove how street she is, Alexandria is wearing a do-rag. It is really no wonder that everyone finds her so tiresome.

For their next photo shoot, the girls got catty with a real live baby jaguar! Oh, that guy. He was truly the highlight of the season. Monique admitted to not being a cat person, but then acknowledged that this wasn't really a cat, but a "jag-wire." I'm going to start using "jag-wire" as a go-to insult in place of "d-bag." Like, "God, Tyra, stop being such a jag-wire all the time." It has a ring to it, no? Hannah got in touch with her wild side, giving fierce couture faux fur in shot after shot. Meanwhile, Molly still couldn't get over her hair and didn't emote anything but annoyance. Dalya became self-conscious and stiff at exactly the wrong time, and her amateur-ish photos got her eliminated. And then there were only the pale people left.

As we know, Jaclyn is a fine young lady from the south the likes of which we haven't seen since Miss Suzanne Sugarbaker. She was not happy with the potty mouths of the other models, and so decided to take matters into her own hands. Yes, Jaclyn creates a swear jar. Too bad she didn't have an old moonshine jug to use, like she would at home. We get a montage of the girls cursing their butts off. My favorite is the confessional which is obviously Brittani's recounting of the raw chicken refrigeration incident: "All I hear is, 'Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Something about chicken.'" Basically, Jaclyn is all set for her college fund.

The girls met their public at a fan challenge that tested their ability to mingle in the spotlight. Tyra knows we all remember that creepy-ass guy who Monique directed to Alexandria for a kiss. But there were other weirdos, too, that we didn't see! One woman says that she would love to have autographed pictures because she can sell them on eBay for a couple of dollars. That woman is an optimist. Another lady wants to touch Alexandria's hair. Alexandria asks if she wants to taste it. Okay, that bit only shows that Alexandria is even weirder than the fan weirdos. We end with the creepy guy telling Molly that her picture is hot, and that he didn't actually think it was her. He sure has a way with the ladies, doesn't he?

Kasia was the winner of the challenge and took Brittani and Jaclyn with her to a fabulous dinner with Miss J. We see new footage of Jaclyn imploring Miss J. to be a matchmaker. She tells him that she may look innocent, but she can flirt her vagina off. That's why the pendulum went so crazy. She asks if he has any people in mind who might want a nice southern girl. Miss J. asks what kind of wallet he should have and Jaclyn responds, "A leather one." I am so sad that she is gone. Back at the house, Alexandria prattled on about how she loves Miss J. and how it's okay that she missed out on this dinner because she'll dine with him in Paris, where she lives. Molly wishes that Alexandria would shut up once in a while. Alexandria will not shut up, and goes on about how she'd like to invite Miss J. to have a glass of wine in St. Tropez and talk about fashion. In the sweet justice category, Alexandria has two giant pimples that are directly facing the camera the whole time she's droning on.

The next shoot brought the models closer together, in a mud-covered group shot. The blondes posed together, and Hannah and Molly were smoldering even through the dirt. The brunettes also managed to make the mud look seductive, and Brittani distinguished herself from the pack with her effortless posing. Too-sexy Monique, however, had trouble sustaining her model during the shoot, turning into the dreaded pretty woman. With the competition almost halfway over, the girls were pretty tense. For Alexandria, this pressure became a literal pain. She apparently has a back problem. Not, like, a long-term one. One that developed on the day when this was shot. She screams and whines and moans and asks if anybody can crack a back. Brittani is annoyed by this, much as she is annoyed by everything about Alexandria. She hopes that Alexandria will go home, but instead it was Monique who was sent home. Hopefully the Victoria's Secret people will call!

The girls were super sad about Monique's ouster, but perked up quite a bit when they had a celebrity encounter in their own lobby. It turns out that Usher, of plagiarizing songs from The Simpsons fame, and P. Diddy, of Diddy Dirty Money fame, walked right past them. Brittani tells us that Usher looked her right in the eye and said, "Hey." She almost peed in her pants. She then does a quasi-split and humps the floor, in what is perhaps the oddest physical display I've ever seen. Molly looks on, possibly in horror.

The only celebrity who can possibly outshine the legends Usher and P. Diddy is Top Model's own J. Alexander. The girls talk about which gender pronouns to use with Miss J., which prompts Kasia to say, "I think it's a he." Wow. She realizes her error quickly, but still. Jaclyn is totally befuddled, which is why we may never have heard her call Miss J. by name. Hannah brings up the fact that Miss J. calls himself bitch, which proves absolutely nothing. In the end, the girls decide that Miss J. doesn't care if you call him "Good Sir" or "Milady." Jaclyn remains befuddled.

The girls competed in a photo shoot challenge with Nigel for Ford's breast cancer awareness campaign, called "Warriors in Pink." Jaclyn wore boxing gloves and found her motivation in images of beating the crap out of breast cancer. That's got to be at least a quarter in the cuss jar. The opportunity to work on behalf of such a meaningful cause as well as to win a nationwide campaign and a car had the models very determined to win. However, when Nigel pronounced Alexandria the winner, the other girls were pissed. The kerfluffle of all kerfluffles occurred backstage, as Brittani talked shit about Alexandria while she was in earshot, and then loudly proclaimed th

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America's Next Top Model

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