America's Next Top Model
Highlights and Catfights

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
Clip Me Deadly

After a commercial break, we see sweet-as-pie Jaclyn turning 20. The girls throw her a little party and give her handmade cards in which they compare her to various desserts, like I just did. Molly tells us that she wants to put Jaclyn in her bag and carry her around like a puppy because she's so fucking cute. I do think pocket-sized Jaclyn would be a huge seller. Sara tells us that Jaclyn is the sweetest little baby everywhere, which is not patronizing, but true since Jaclyn squeals things like, "I want to be a woman!" Jaclyn confessionalizes that you only turn 20 once, and she's going to be a real woman. She refers to herself thrice as a woman in an attempt to convince herself of that. Tyra tells us that Jaclyn may think that she's a woman, but she reversed right back to a child when faced with housekeeping. Apparently Jaclyn doesn't know how to put on a pillowcase? Seems about right. She yells for Monique, saying that she needs her help in making her bed. Monique tells us that Jaclyn is kind of getting on her nerves. She was probably very sheltered growing up, Monique says, but she's twenty years old and should know how to put on a fucking fitted sheet by now. Jaclyn whines that she can't get her sheets on the bed right, and Monique tells us that although she has a cute look, Jaclyn probably isn't strong enough to make it. Maybe the inability to apply sheets is why models sometimes pass out in trash dumpsters or whatever?

While Jaclyn was happy to become a woman, Monique was concerned about having too much womanly appeal. She interviews that it may sound funny, but she just doesn't know how not to be sexy. To prove this, we see her shaking her hips, and with her mouth hanging open in the bathtub. Brittani tells Monique that she has the best body she's ever seen, but also acknowledges that Monique is probably too sexy to make it all the way. Monique had apparently confessed to Brittani that -- shocker! -- she wants to do Victoria's Secret, but as Brittani points out in an interview, they're here to do Italian Vogue. Dominique tells us that Monique is "volumptuous" and has ass for days. We see Monique humping an exercise ball for proof. Monique confessionalizes that having a booty is stressful. Girl, tell me about it.

The next photo shoot had everyone buzzing as the girls posed in jewelry covered in live bees. Oh, remember how they had to stuff things up their nostrils so the bees wouldn't get up there and sting their brains? This was an edgy beauty shot, and Monique and Kasia impressed Jay with their strong poses and piercing eye contact despite the distracting insects. Meanwhile Nicole, who I don't remember at all, lacked energy. Ondrei seemed lost, although her attention was elsewhere. Back at the house, Ondrei confided to the other girls that she was having a hard time coping with the recent death of her brother and was debating whether or not to leave the competition to be with her family. During a nutrition-based teach the next day, the pressure got to be too much for her. As the guest dietician was talking about how you can eat small meatballs or whatever, Ondrei sank to the floor and then collapsed into tears. Tyra went back to check out what was going on, and removed Ondrei's headwrap. Apparently Ondrei fainted or something. Tyra calls the doctor as everyone else looks on with concern. At panel, Ondrei told the judges that she was ready to go home. Unfortunately for the others, there was still an elimination. Nicole looked weathered beyond her years and for this grave crime was sent home.

We then get a montage of Sara being weird. Sara wears sports bras and funny glasses! Sara admitted to having hairy legs! Sara maybe pretended to hump Monique. Tyra tells us that Sara is the kind of unique girl with an unusual look that Tyra loves for Top Model. And the girls all loved her quirks, with the exception of Dominique, who could not get past Sara's trademark finger wag. Yes, Sara has a trademark finger wag. She apparently dropped it into casual conversation on the regular, and Dominique was forced to ask what the fuck is up with her worm-like index finger. She tells us that Sara is different, and then tells Sara that she looks a little stupid. Sara wags her finger fervently and tells Dominique not to be mean. She explains to us that she likes to be a clown, but if you're a meanie who is just looking for trouble, you're going to get trouble. And it's going to come with a table leg. By table leg does she mean a finger wag? Sara tells Dominique that she wants to kick her in the vagina. FYI, if Dominique is kicked in the vagina, she will kick you in your head. And Sara will always wag her finger in your face.

As makeovers drew near, the girls found a big screen in their house designating the makeover styles but not telling who would get which look. Speculation took over the house. Hannah, Sara and Dalya confessionalize that Molly is very high maintenance, and if she doesn't like her haircut she will bitch about it for all eternity. And then when makeover day arrived, their fears became real as Molly got the stank weave from hell. We see the psychotic poodle meets Dee Snyder meets synthetic material that is implanted into Molly's head, and in a confessional Molly promises a shitstorm if someone does not remove it. That thing truly was heinous. At least Molly had a legit excuse for her rage. Alexandria proved high-maintenance without cause. She confronted her weavologist about the extensions that she's been given, and then cried that she didn't like fake hair and wanted to make sure that it looked okay. Miss J. looks on, perhaps wanting to wag his finger or kick Alexandria in the vagina. The real success story of the day was Brittani's fabulous bob, which really is one of the best makeovers that this show has produced.

The next photo shoot showcased the models' makeovers as well as some couture fashion, and was styled by Lori Goldstein and shot by Pamela Hanson. Not only were the clothes extra-special, but Lori spent extra time on each girl, adding fingerless gloves and unattractive hats, as she is wont to do. Despite Molly's weave rage, she came through beautifully on a joint shot with Kasia. Alexandria continued her streak of being a pain in the ass as she dealt with a mysteriously swollen lip (I like to call it "the hive of karma"), and even snitted to Monique during their joint shoot. However, she and Monique delivered a whole bunch of great shots. It was Dominique, dressed like Big Bird's gay cousin, who really struggled and got reamed out by Jay for having no thoughts in her poor freckled head. She was sent home, leaving Sara to wag her finger in joy.

The girls were on fire at the next runway challenge -- literally. Well, not literally like Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial. But they were surrounded by fire on a runway that was set aflame and had fiery yet flame-retardant gloves on. Brittani, Molly and Dalya looked smoking hot on the catwalk, but Kasia and Sara were running on fumes. Miss J. was not pleased. For their next shoot, the girls got Mad Men inspired in a commercial for the fictional Fierce Roast coffee that was directed by the swoon-inducing Francesco Carrozzini. The dialogue was super corny, but the styling was very fun. Kasia rose to the occasion like a pro and worked her Joan Holloway assets. Alexandria was paired with Brittani, and went to the extreme end of her bossy ways. Jay tells us that she was doing his job as well as Francesco's as well as the gaffer's. No one was pleased about this. Alexandria told Francesco that she was just trying to help, and he basically said that if this had been a real commercial, he would fire her. Meanwhile, Sara's feminist principles and inability to fake a convincing sexy look was to her detriment, as she was sent home to return to her career as a creeper.

Now let's turn for a minute to Kasia and stand in awe of the fact that she is 26 years old! And she doesn't even look haggard. I know, right? The general consensus is that Kasia looks somewhere between nineteen and twenty one, and the girls are shocked

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America's Next Top Model




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