America's Next Top Model
Highlights and Catfights

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Clip Me Deadly

We're over halfway through the season, folks! I mean, thank God. Soon the remaining five girls will head to Morocco, and then the winner will appear in Vogue Italia, and then we will never think of said winner or any of her lesser competitors again. This has been one dramatic cycle so far, with fake eliminations and panic attacks and giant blood-filled (okay, glitter-filled) hamster balls. Tonight, Tyra and crew will catch us up on all the fierce events of the season so far, as well as all the other freaky stuff that we did not get to see. And we'll check in with Cycle 15 winner, Ann! I can't wait to hear if IMG has given her elocution lessons!

This season, Tyra and the Jays did away with the panel interviews at casting week in order to get right into the competition on day one. Tyra understands that some of us miss those panels, and so gives us a peek at some of the weirdos who did not make the cut. It's the crazy losers montage! No, wait. It's just Tyra dressed up as different archetypal Top Model characters - the overconfident ghetto girl, the stupid blonde, and the above-it-all goth chick. At least it's better than the time Tyra played Snow White. Also I really did want to see the girls who didn't get cast! Some of them probably have really awesome afflictions that we'll never know about.

Tyra brought 32 girls to L.A., but she and the Jays made their decisions behind the scenes and then faux-eliminated the actual top twelve. We flash back to Alexandria being a champ and taking the news well and not being annoying at all. Pretty soon afterwards, though, Tyra revealed the truth to the girls, and showed them that they were in fact standing in their own penthouse loft. There was an animal print theme in the house and a glorious bathtub and a lot of pictures of Tyra at age 16, which had to make some of these girls feel ancient. We see Sara -- remember her? It took me like three minutes to get her name, because as soon as these girls are eliminated they vanish from my brain just like they vanish from the picture before the closing credits. It's the only way I maintain even a marginal sense of sanity. Anyway, Sara says to someone, "Go get your pendulum. It's so much fun." Say what, now? Well, it turns out that resident hippie Hannah has a magic crystal. Yes, a magic crystal. Hannah explains that this crystal, which hangs on a metal chain and is thus known as a "pendulum," checks in with people's chakras, which Hannah thinks have something to do with auras. It's very precise. The pendulum goes from swinging in circles to swaying back and forth, which seems to freak everyone out. I'm sure if they were allowed Ouija Boards they'd bust that out, too, only to find the ghost of Janice Dickinson constantly lurking with a rusty steak knife.

Hannah uses the pendulum to check in with Alexandria's vagina chakra, and Alexandria pretends to hump it. Well, that gives us our answer, I guess. Everyone instantly comes to the decision that they should check Jaclyn's vagina chakra, I'm guessing because she's pure as the Texas snow. As Jaclyn tells us, she was sound asleep and the others woke her up to give Hannah's voodoo-looking crystal ball thing a whirl over her virginal lady bits. They lay her out on a table - the table upon which they eat! - and the thing swings just like it does every other time. We're never told exactly what this means, and then Jaclyn goes back to bed while everyone laughs. At least that didn't turn into some sort of sacrificial thing.

It didn't take long before Dominique rallied the other girls to try out their in-house runway through the time honored method of talking like a drag queen. But not only did the girls have to rock the runway, they had to work it in paper bags! Some of these ladies have a level of Project Runway arts and crafts realness going on, here. Sara, Alexandria and Nicole are the judges, and Dominique plays both Miss J. and Mr. Jay. She throws in a "honey chile" for good measure, which seems about right.

The first challenge of the season also had to do with a runway, but this runway, as you may remember, was only twelve inches wide and found in a pool. And instead of wearing plastic bags, the girls had to work plastic bubbles. By plastic bubbles, Tyra means giant hamster balls. First, they had a photo shoot with photographer Russell James, who was trying to capture the organic backstage moments of a fashion show. Molly and Brittani showed themselves as serious contenders early on, while Dominique and Angelia struggled with being natural in front of the camera. And then it was time for the glorious runway show. As Tyra says, there was some bubble trouble. Surprisingly and somewhat sadly, most of the girls managed not to totally humiliate themselves. Ondrei, however, just narrowly avoided cracking her head open, and then had to scramble to try to get out of the pool while still encased in the bubble. Hilarity ensued, but then Dominique came around and increased the level of hilarity tenfold as she fell and flopped around in the ball in an excruciating attempt to make it to land. Her good humor about the situation saved her, and it was Angelia -- whose photo failed to say "model" -- who was the first eliminated.

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America's Next Top Model

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