America's Next Top Model
Game

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I Be Like Ugh

Shannon does her video shoot next, in a set filled with gauzy white sheets. You can't see the holes in them, through which she and her husband attempt their spiritual duty of procreation. Her song is bland, like you knew it would be, though Tom did a particularly fine job in making it not unbearable. At about this point, I suddenly got really depressed about the fact that there are machines that will sing for you if you suck, and then you can go collect your zillion dollars and MTV Video Music Award. This episode really has done impressive work in contributing to my existential crisis and general feeling that the entire world is just doomed, doomed, doomed. That would be the name of my song, "Doomed, Doomed, Doomed," and its sole lyric would be the Pot Ledom one, starting as a whisper and then working its way to a scream. The last full minute of the song would just be me hoarsely screaming, "POT LEDOM!" with overdubbed samples of Andre Leon Talley saying he'd put it in his salon. That's how this episode makes me feel. And to think I was so genuinely looking forward to it! While I'm stuck in doomsday, we might as well watch this. And yes, this iteration of "Shake Ya (Body Body)" is trying to get you to vote for Sarah Palin.

Lisa is next, and tells Jay and Game that she's going to go hard and, I think, "Go hams." Does she ever go less than hams? Like, Canadian bacon, even? Lisa does the same thing she always does, including a giant leg kick. You have to give it to her that she's flexible. She actually does sing in the chorus. "Sing." Lisa's goal is to be 800 times better than everyone, and she at least impresses Dominique. She does seem to have a decent sense of the half-rhyme. Game is impressed. Then there's Laura and her track, "Southern Sweet Girl." She bounces and flounces around on a bed covered in raspberry-colored sheets, wearing some sort of matching shortie romper. The whole thing is very Ark Music Factory meets Playboy Channel, which is Laura in a nutshell. The song with its machine-singing is actually kind of catchy, so much so that Alexandria treats us to the world's greatest rendition of anything ever sung in an interview segment. It lasts for about three seconds, and I have watched it literally about 1,000 times. This is the clip that will convince you that, despite her ambitions, Alexandria does not have a career ahead of her as a recording star. As a comedian of the unintentional, though, her future is bright. That's why she's wearing the shades.

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America's Next Top Model

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