America's Next Top Model

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I Be Like Ugh

Alexandria is next, and Game says that she looks like a giant next to her fancy prop car. He tells her to imagine the car as a short guy that she really loves. However, Alexandria can't seem to muster any sexual attraction for her mechanical boyfriend. Maybe she can't see him properly because of her dark shades? Game suggests that she fall back on the hood. That doesn't go so well, either. Angelea sums it up thusly: "There's a line in her song that says, 'Go, go, go.' No, no, no." Jay tries to get Alexandria to own each moment and make it come together, but the fact is that Alexandria has the presence and charisma of instant mashed potatoes. Jay tells us that she was awkward and rigid in taking direction, and not only stunned Game into silence, but caused him to make up an excuse about how he had to leave. Game sums it up as, "Not enough time to put oil in the tin man." As Alexandria sighs through her black lips, we head to commercials.

When we return, the girls have another special guest. It's fucking Tyra, dressed up like an idiot in a neon green body suit with the words "Pot Ledom" emblazoned upon it, two long ponytails, and one randomly feathered arm. This actually might be at least partly recycled from her Super Smize ensemble. Tyra explains that superstar singers always have somebody featured in their video, like a posse backing them up. Jay adds that he thought it would add more excitement to the videos if Tyra was in them. Looking like that? Really? Nobody looks all that excited, I think because they actually sort of wanted these videos to be cool and good, and were maybe even a little proud of them. The models should know by now that Tyra would never allow that to happen! Mwah ha ha ha! And really, my overarching philosophical stance is that if you feel bad for the models, this show isn't doing its job properly.

But wait, there's more. Tyra can't be a viral video posse member alone. Nay, she needs someone who's had over one hundred million hits on YouTube -- it's that kid Keenan Cahill, who is small and beloved by celebrities for his enthusiastic lip-syncing. And I mean, good for him I guess, but can he not just actually learn the fucking lyrics ONE TIME? It makes me insane. If you have no real discernible talent, I think the least you can do is try hard. Or at least aim for "proficient." So, Keenan and Tyra will be the girls' "back-up posse," lip-syncing along with them, except not actually along with them but in a separate shot that requires an awkward cut. Lisa is of course excited about this, because adding hot mess to anything she does just makes it hot mess squared.

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America's Next Top Model




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